[Pray into it]

God speaks in the silence of the heart. Listening is the beginning of prayer.~Mother Theresa

"When we rely upon organization, we get what organization can do; when we rely upon education, we get what education can do; when we rely upon eloquence, we get what eloquence can do. And so on. But when we rely upon prayer, we get what God can do." ~ A. C. Dixon

"In prayer, it is better to have heart without words, than words without heart. Prayer will make a man cease from sin, or sin entice a man to cease from prayer. The spirit of prayer is more precious than treasures of gold and silver. Pray often, for prayer is a shield to the soul, a sacrifice to God, and a scourge for Satan." ~ John Bunyan

Sunday readings

Isaiah 56:1, 6-7 them I will bring to my holy mountain and make joyful in my house of prayer…for my house shall be called a house of prayer for all peoples.

• How would you describe your prayer at church?

• Often times we can drift in and out of our focus in church. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you one way that you tend to be pulled away from the gift of worshiping in community at church. Now pray and ask Holy Spirit to strengthen you against what pulls you away.

• If you have trouble even mustering the desire to go to church, pray that the Lord can infuse you with that desire. God blesses us in a unique way when we worship in community.

Psalm 67:2,3,5,6,8 O God let all the nations praise you

• Offer God your top three moments of grace this week as a prayer of thanksgiving.

• Where in your week did God show you His mighty wonder? If you have trouble recalling, that’s okay, ask Holy Spirit to share a moment with you.

• Deep Dive: Where in your week did the storms of life batter you? Can you take time in prayer to turn those moments of stormy weather into praise: praise for the strength to endure, praise for the opportunity to lean more upon your Heavenly Father, praise for trust that God is willing your greatest good.

Romans 11:13-15, 29-32 Inasmuch as I am the apostle to the Gentiles, I glory in my ministry in order to make my race jealous and thus save some of them.

• As baptized Christians, each of us are called to “Go out into the whole world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation.” Paul was uniquely equipped by God to preach to the Gentiles. This was his sphere of influence. Our ministry is wherever we are able to influence another to the love of God in the person of Jesus Christ.

• Where have you felt drawn, pulled, or a desire to share God with another? Have you?

• The next time you feel the pull, recognize that as a Holy Spirit inspiration and step into faith that God wants to use you to help “save some of them.”

Matthew 15:21-28 “Please Lord for even the dogs eat the scraps that fall from the table of their masters.”

• Have you experienced the grace of an answered prayer that came after much perseverance of prayer? Bring to mind those moments that you waited patiently on the Lord and He provided. Praise God for those moments, hold them close as a promise in future need.

• God delights in our prayers when they come from the heart, these prayers demonstrate our trust and faithfulness to Him. If you listen to yourself pray to God, how do your prayers sound to your own ears?

• Note how all of the readings emphasize that God seeks us ALL. Everyone. I myself am guilty of making snap judgements about another, even in Mass. Is there someone (or group of someone’s) that you see as less? Can you take time this week to pray for them to receive God’s grace, mercy, and peace? Can you pray this week and ask God to help you to see others as He does?

Stormy Weather

This weeks Gospel is familiar to most people out there. My prayer for each of you this week is to allow the Holy Spirit to open a new perspective in your heart. Don’t just skim over the familiar. There is gold in the deep.

Sunday Readings

1 Kings 19:9a, 11-13a The Lord was not in the wind…The Lord was not in the earthquake…The Lord was not in the fire… there was a tiny whispering sound

• What do you think of when you envision wind, fire, and earthquakes?

• If the physical world is often reflected in the spiritual world, what have the wind, fires, and earthquakes of your life looked like? Have you been able to hear God in the midst of the upheaval?

• Think on a tiny whisper. If you want to hear a tiny whispering sound what do you need to do? If you have trouble hearing the still small voice of our Lord, how can you spiritually replicate what you have to do physically to hear a small noise?

Psalm 85 Lord let us see your kindness

Heavenly Father, help me to seek your still small voice. Help me to know your care, love, and kindness. Help me to not turn away when the winds blow, my world is shaken, or my plans go up in flames. Help me to stop and be still. Open my heart to listen for your plan trusting that you are building me up and not tearing me down. Amen.

Romans 9:1-5 My conscience joins with the Holy Spirit in bearing me witness

• Where in your life do you team up with the Holy Spirit?

• To witness is to give your personal perspective. Have you ever asked Holy Spirit to give you His perspective of what troubles your heart? Put another way, have you asked Holy Spirit for the gift of wisdom so that you can get outside your own headspace and get His view?

• Where in your life right now are you feeling a pull to do just that? Spend some time waiting for the whisper. Come Holy Spirit Come.

Matthew 14:22-33 “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.”

• Right this minute, Jesus is standing in the deep and He is asking you to “Come.” What step is He asking you to take? (Hint: a lot of times it is a recurring thought towards something good but a little outside our comfort zone)

• Ask the Holy Spirit to ‘join with your conscience’ and show you times in your life that you took that step of faith out into the deep. How did it turn out when you did? Does it make you more likely or less likely to follow His next invitation? Ask Holy Spirit for another of His great gifts, faith. We cannot conjure it on our own, but we can ask for it time and time again.

• Now in prayer ask the Holy Spirit to share one or two moments in your life where your soul proclaimed, “Truly you are the Son of God.” How did you feel in that moment? When we are being distracted by wind and fire it is helpful to have those moments held close to our hearts that we may remain above the surface.

See, I am doing a new thing in you

I am going to share a moment of God breakthrough that occured several weeks ago in the midst of my airport circling. I was working with a friend who is an artist with her Cricut machine and we were putting together signs for the bake sale I was running for our church car show and picnic. I am sharing this with you now because I am indeed doing a new thing through this blog space. Molly and I were talking about my writing and she too had noted the absence of my writing and inquired about it. I again used the analogy of a plane circling the airport not knowing where to land. I shared that I have been sharing my scriptural reflections for three years now. For the Catholics out there you may realize the significance of this. The Catholic Church cycles through the bible almost in its entirety every three years. By faithfully reading the Church’s daily scripture over the past three years, I too had cycled through the whole bible. One of the thoughts I had in prayer one morning was, “Am I really bringing any new insight to my writing or am I recycling?” With this came a desire to see my blog lead others to their own prayerful reflection of God’s Word. Molly looked at me and jokingly said, “Well would you write me a book that would give me questions to ask myself for the Sunday readings? There’s one out there but it cost $50.00 and I’m cheep.”

Sometimes this is how the Lord works, the key is to learn to recognize the prompt. I told Molly that this was the first time I had caught a glimpse of runway lights. I have no idea if this is the runway God wants me to land on, but I am landing this plane! I am not taking on a whole book at this point. I am doing a soft launch of this idea with all of you and with a focused group of faithful at our church. This idea of reflecting on the readings has a fancy term in Catholic culture, Lectio Divina. I am leading all of you through Lectio, but with the twist of providing you with questions, brief insights, and prayers that the Holy Spirit inspires as I myself work my way through the readings. I am hoping to post these every Wednesday so that you have several days to chew on God’s Word. Below you will find a link to the Sunday readings per the Catholic calendar. I invite each of you to spend time allowing the Lord to speak more directly to your heart. We can gain wonderful wisdom reading or listening to the insights of others, but ultimately God wants us to hear what He has especially for each of us, because He does have a special message waiting for you and your life in His Word.

Sunday readings

Daniel 7:9-10, 13-14 His dominion is an everlasting dominion that shall not be taken away, His kingship shall not be destroyed

• What do these words mean to you? Are they a lived reality or do the circumstances of the world rob you of their truth?

• The Old Testament is completed in Christ. Do you feel like we have seen the completion of this prophecy yet? In what ways in your own life do you want this to be more of a lived reality, a known truth? God gave these words to you and to me knowing all the times that we would need to lean into their truth.

Psalm 97 The Lord is king, let the earth rejoice

Heavenly Father, help me to declare this with conviction. May this truth make a head to heart connection for me. May You reign supreme in my life that Your reign may bear the fruit of Your peace in my life. Amen.

2 Peter 1:16-19 and Matthew 17:1-9

• Read the second reading from 2 Peter, read the Gospel, and then reread 2 Peter.

• Do you recognize that Peter’s letter is a conclusion to the Gospel? Jesus orders Peter, James, and John to keep the transfiguration to themselves until after He is raised from the dead. This letter is Peter’s personal testimony to bring others to Christ! Have you ever used personal testimony of an experience with God as a testimony to others? Ask the Holy Spirit to show you times that He has led you to do so.

• What is your most compelling story of encounter with God (Father, Son, or Spirit)?

• We are called to imitate Christ. In the Gospel Christ is transfigured to show His holiness and identity as God’s own son. Where in your life has the grace of God begun the good work of holiness in you? Where are you seeking greater transfiguration? Take this to prayer with our Father, ask, seek, knock.

• Peter’s own transfiguration is revealed to us in these scripture passages. He goes from confused and bumbling, “If you wish I will make three tents…” to convicted and poetic, “You will do well to be attentive to it, as to a lamp shining in a dark place, until day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts.”

• Where are you awaiting the morning star? Ask the Holy Spirit to show you ways that He is at work to bring light to your darkened world.

  The Lord is King, let the earth rejoice!

Delivered

Today is the feast day of St. Ignatius Loyola. St. Ignatius has given me a bucket list item that I seek to complete: the 30 day silent guided retreat. He is a mentor to many a Christian for his Spiritual Exercises, among them is the daily examine. In a way, I have been on a six week retreat with the Lord. Often I have sought to share with all of you, my struggles, my victories, and all the moments that God broke through in my life. God held my hand back so to speak, asking that the time be one between the two of us. Today I break my six week silence on this blog and I will attempt to bring you my six week examine: Where did I see God at work in my life? Where did I partner with God in my life? Where did I try to push ahead without God? Buckle your seat belts, it has been a very bumpy spiritual ride!

Now Abraham was old, well advanced in years; and the lord had blessed Abraham in all things (Gen 24:1)

The Lord will fight your battles; Be still (Exodus 12:14)

See, the Lord is doing a new thing (Is 43:19)

Several weeks ago a friend commented, “You haven’t posted anything lately.” Cue deer in the headlights. She knows me and she knows my situation and I know that her question was striking deeper, “Are you okay?” My answer to her has been my answer to several people, “I am like a plane circling the airport waiting for the tower to tell me where to land.” I have been living in a season of loss and transition for months now (9 and counting, but whose counting?). In the past five weeks I have felt like a weeble wobble, being knocked down daily by discouragement of one sort or another, popping back up with the Lord in prayer and Mass (a lot of daily Mass), getting knocked down again, sometimes in the same day. Recalculating, recalculating, recalculating. During this same time frame, the Catholic Church was leading us in the daily readings from Genesis to Exodus and I saw the Lord leading me also.

Friday June 30th journal entry…

Fear not Abram! I am your shield; I will make your reward very great. Abram said, “O Lord God, what good will your gifts be?” (Gen 15) As of late I have resembled Abram. I have a sticker that I have placed over my desk, Praise God in the hallway while you’re waiting for the next door to open. Abram is in the proverbial hallway. I’m going to call it the Hallway of God’s Promise. Hallways are by nature the ‘in between,’ we have left one room/area we are heading to the next. In school, hallways were used as punishment, ‘Go stand in the hallway until I tell you you can come back in.’ God is promising that the next chapter of Abram’s life will hold abundant blessing. Abram, like myself right now, sees things very differently from his limited perspective of a windowless/doorless hallway. Abram is honest with the Lord and voices his frustration, hurt, and doubt. God does not smite him, God doubles down and reassures. This has been my prayer life as well. Today God reassures with the Gospel: “Who do you say that I am?” (Mt 16:13). Today this question of Jesus goes to the heart of my hallway situation and it goes to the heart of every situation we find ourselves in. ‘Who do you say that I am?’ (Slap forehead) You’re God! That’s right, You’re God! I may not see the doors or windows in this hallway, that feels like it has gone on forever, but God is God. The question I must ask myself time and time again is, ‘Am I acting like I believe that God is God?’ Jesus offers each of us keys to the Kingdom of Heaven when we live the truth, ‘You are the Christ.’ So I’m going to stop hallway sulking and start hallway praising! Amen! Below is a Litany of Thanks that I compiled as I read back over the daily Psalms for Mass from 6/22 to 6/30.

Litany of Thanks (blog entry 6/29)

I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart in the company of the just. Great are the works of the Lord, exquisite in all of their delights. (Ps 111)

I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall ever be in my mouth. Let my soul glory in the Lord (Ps 34)

O lord, you have probed me, you know me, you know when I sit and when I stand. You understand my thoughts from afar… truly you have formed my inmost being… I give you thanks that I am fearfully, wonderfully made, wonderful are your works (Ps 139)

See you lowly ones and be glad; you who seek God, may your hearts revive! For the Lord hears the poor, and His own who are in bonds, He spurns not. Let the heavens and the Earth praise Him. (Ps 69)

Give thanks to the Lord, invoke His name; Make known among the nations His deeds. Sing to Him, sing His praise, Proclaim all His wondrous deeds. (Ps 105)

Glorify the Lord with me, Let us together extol His name. I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. (Ps 34)

Blessed are you who fear the Lord, who walk in His ways! For you shall eat eh fruit of your handiwork; blessed shall you be and favored. (Ps 128)

For those of you in the hallway or in the battle, consider writing your own litany of thanks. After this blog post, often times in my daily journaling I included a list of the things from the previous day that I was grateful for. This helped me to see that God is God and to stand another day in the promise that He would fight my battles and see me safely to the promised land.

Stay tuned, in the coming days I will share more of my journey with the Lord these past weeks.

Unconditional

Who would have thought that my Heavenly Father would decide to give me a gift this Father’s Day! Such is His love! I have been circling the airport this past month, so to speak. I have been faithful to prayer and to writing each morning and waiting. I have been waiting for the excitement to bubble, to feel the familiar prompt of Holy Spirit, “Here, this one, this reflection is one I want you to share.” So today being able to share the following with you is a gift and just as the prompting to share is a gift so too was the waiting. God is teaching me to be true to His inspirations and not force my own. Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers out there!

“As you go, make this proclamation,’The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.’ Cure the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, drive out demons. Without cost you have received; without cost you are to give. (Matthew 9)

God proves His love for us that in while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5)

I don’t know how many times I have heard Fr. Mark’s sermon on Father’s Day in the 11 years that he has served as the spiritual father to St. Bernard Parish, but given that his time with us comes to an end on June 30th, this will have been the last one most likely. Often times in our own families it takes the maturity that comes with the passing of time to fully appreciate the fathers in our lives (biological, spiritual, Heavenly). This has certainly been the case for myself with Fr. Mark. As the days close in on his departure, I can look back and better appreciate the fruit his spiritual fatherhood in my life. There have been struggles and joys just as with our own families, but I can see the wisdom of my Heavenly Father at work through Fr. Mark to walk me further along this journey of Catholocism. This Father’s Day he shared some beauriful wisdom that speaks strongly to two of the readings we had this weekend. Fr. Mark has a unique gift of being welcomed into the hearts and lives of the young adults. This is often represented in his sermons as he reflects on time spent in the midst of families with young children. Fr. Mark was hanging out with one family and watching the dad practice T-ball with the young son. The young boy was really giving it his all and trying hard to impress his dad. Isn’t that so often the case? Well the young dad in a moment of inspiration shared with Fr. Mark his worry that his son puts too much pressure on himself to “succeed” in order to gain approval, “What can I do to make sure that he doesn’t focus too strongly on my approval?” Father Mark looked at this young man and replied, “Love hime first.'“ You see, God loves us first and unconditionally. God loves us before we do a single thing that brings Him joy. God loves us if we don’t ever try to do a single thing that brings us joy. God loves us first, last, and always. We are called in our earthly relationships to model unconditional love, to give what we have received. “Without cost you have received, without cost you are to give.’ We are loved by a Heavenly Father who gave His Son before we did anything worth that sacrifice of love. “God proves His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” When we reflect on this, when we ask Holy Spirit to allow this truth to make a heart connection, the depth of this love bubbles up and awakens in us anew the awe of God. This Father’s Day I honor the unconditional love that God has demonstrated for each of us. I honor the facets of that love that are reflected in our earthly fathers, present within our families and present within our church communities. I call upon each of us today to spend time with each of our father’s in one way or another. In our time with our Heavenly Father may we ask Him, “Where in my life are you calling me to give without receiving?” Amen.

Celebrate Good Times, Come (On)

Do this in remembrance of Me. Luke 22:19, 1 Cor 11:24

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

On Monday night Jeff and I attended our final class of The Encounter School of Ministry (not to be confused with the Hogwarts School of Witches and Wizardry). This next Monday, we graduate. Each week for two years Jeff has rushed to get home early while I rush to get dinner on the table by 4:30 so that we can leave by 5:00. Our class doesn’t start until 6:00 and it only takes 30 minutes to get there. Anyone who knows us will attest to the fact that we are not “early” people, we are “on time” people. Why the rush then? One of the most beautiful aspects of Encounter that I will miss deeply is that we enter Praise and Worship (led by some truly gifted musicians) for 30 minutes before class. Our Lord established early on with His chosen people, “Lead with Judah.” In Hebrew Judah is a name that means praise, “Lead with praise.” The content of our studies has been amazing, truly life changing for both of us. I believe it has been so because we have entered into “study” after first entering into praise. God does not give arbitrary rules for His own glory but our own benefit, so that our “joy may be complete.” (Jn 15:11). This past Monday one of the songs struck a deep chord of truth.

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. And I realize just how beautiful You are, and how great Your affections are for me. (How He Loves, John Mark McMillan)

On Wednesday as I helped lead Praise and Worship during Wednesday Night Adoration, I led the participants on an activation. I guided the participants to reflect on what is good in their life, anything that is good, and to hold that close to their heart as they more fully entered into the closing song. If it is good, it is from God. On Thursday I attended a “growth” day at the diocese centered on Bishop Rickon’s initiative to enter more fully into his Discipleship Plan’s “Worship Jesus” phase. Bishop provided a “word” that opened my eyes and heart in a new way. “We come to Mass to celebrate the relationship we have with a person, the person of Jesus.” There are a lot of people out there, many of our engaged couples, who just don’t believe or understand why attending Mass is cornerstone. I have often had a hard time articulating what Mass means to me and why it is important for each of us who proclaim Jesus as Lord and Savior. Bishop gave me the words I have been seeking. We are entering into wedding and graduation season, a season of much celebration. I have thrown a few graduation parties, attended a few more, and weddings are becoming a regular part of our lives again since we head up mentoring engaged couples at St. Bernard. I don’t plan graduation parties for my own benefit. I don’t attend graduation parties or weddings for my own benefit. These are moments in time where I am present to celebrate the people that I have a relationship with and to share a meal with friends and family. Mass is the same. I am not going for me, I am going because He is awesome and I love Him. God started the path of this enlightenment for me on Monday, took me one step deeper on Wednesday, another step Thursday. Each of these moments was precluded with praise and worship. Praise and worship open the door to greater spiritual bounty, think of it as God’s “party favor.” Let’s joyfully accept God’s invitation to the table of celebration. Amen.

Here’s a little something to get the party going…

Hand in Hand

Psalm 87:6

The Lord records as He registers the people; This one was born there

John 10:27-29

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand.

Acts 11:19-21

Now those who were scattered because of the persecution that arose over Stephen traveled as far as Phoenicia and Cyprus and Antioch, speaking the word to no one except Jews. But there were some of them, men of Cyprus and Cyrene, who on coming to Antioch spoke to the Hellenists also, preaching the Lord Jesus. And the hand of the Lord was with them, and a great number who believed turned to the Lord.

Wowza! When Holy Spirit stirs, Holy Spirit stirs! He has taken me from Game of Thrones to Chris Stefanik this morning! Let me start with Chris Stefanik and his series, The Search. In one episode Chris shares with us a profound powerful truth that is reflected in the single verse from Psalm 87. We are born for greatness, Kingdom greatness. There are many that will voice a desire to have been born in Jesus’ time and space to witness first hand His works. Wouldn’t this faith and believe thing be so much easier! Chris interjects with wisdom and truth. If God had wanted us to be born in biblical times, we would have been born in biblical times. We are not accidental or coincidental, we are providential. God has planted each of us, uniquely made in His image, exactly here for a Kingdom purpose. Imagine the God of all Creation looking down upon our birth and whispering with love, ‘There, Sara has been born this day right there, right where her journey needs to begin.’ I believe that from that day forward the Chess Master of the Universe placed people in my path for me to grow from and for me to help grow, every single day I can choose to be a unique part in His Kingdom Plan. This is profound. This is powerful. This is daunting! Right? Enter Game of Thrones. Please do not judge, my family binged Game of Thrones during the pandemic, and I will be the first to admit that it is not exactly wholesome (understatement!). God can bring good out of all. For those of you who are not familiar, a key role in the kingdom of Kings Landing is The Hand of the King. This is a coveted role of power, trust, influence, and prestige. The Hand of the King is “hand picked” (punny!) by the king himself. It is the one person most trusted by the king to have the interests of the king and kingdom at heart. Our Heavenly Father entrusts us with a share in His Kingdom here on earth but He does not leave us to it alone, He gives us the Hand of the King, Jesus. This is Jesus’ assurance in John’s Gospel that we see fulfilled in Acts. This is our assurance as baptized Christians. God rejoiced on the day we were born, ‘Today my son/daughter was born exactly where I want them to be, to be a part of My kingdom.’ The Master of Chess awaits our move. He awaits our realization that we are an important piece in His big picture of salvation. On the day that this realization dawns on us He will say, ‘On this day, my beloved son/daughter, is exactly where I need them to be.’ We have a unique purpose. We are not alone. Spend some time with the Lord asking, “Lord, open my eyes, ears, and heart to my part in moving Your kingdom forward today.” Amen.

P.S. It seemed appropriate with John 10 to include a picture from our trip to Ireland above and also the song below has been on my heart today so I thought I would share.

Last Words: a fourth perspective

“You too were with Jesus the Galilean…This man was with Jesus the Nazorean… Surel you too are one of them; even your speech gives you away. (Mt 26:69-75)

[Like moths to a flame] Peter is drawn to safety in numbers, in blending in. The charcoal fire is an added incentive: light in the darkness, warmth in the cold, fellowship in the chaos. Peter is lost without the Lord (we will see this time and again in the days following Jesus’ death and resurrection). Peter has lost his North Star, “Where would we go Lord, You alone have the words of eternal life.” (Jn 6:68) Peter is unmoored. I have had the tendency to feel some indignation towards Peter in this moment, becoming one of the crowd, “Blasphemy! Blasphemy! He deserves to die!” Holy Spirit has opened up for me the redemptive power of Jesus’ word for Peter and for each of us. The very fact that Peter was put in a situation where he denied Christ is redeeming. How many others in the Gospel narratives are accused of being Jesus’ follower? None, only Peter. These accusations speak to the fact that Peter stood out as a disciple. Holy Spirit points out that we are each called to be accused by the crowd of following Jesus. We need to be convicted of the Word, the Truth, and the Love of Jesus in our hearts, minds, souls, and beings, so much so that others point it out in some way. Peter had a moment of human weakness, so do we. Holy Spirit revealed love in what many would consider condemnation,

“You will deny me three time.” (Mt 26:34)

These words spoken hours before were not meant to condemn but to save.

Then Peter remembered the word of Jesus…he went out and began to weep bitterly. (Mt 26:75)

Jesus’ words are what pulled Peter back, they reminded him of who Jesus is, they give him the strength to remove himself from the crowd. Jesus’ words give Peter back his North Star. This is what our Lord and Savior wants to do for each of us as well. We will be tried in this life. We will lose our way. We will try to blend in order to fit in. As Christians, we are called to stand out. We can only do this when we have the Lord’s words written upon our hearts.

“Do not be afraid… I am the way, the truth, and the life…I have called you friends… This is how you are to pray…Love your enemy…Blessed are the poor in spirit…Come, Follow Me…This is my body…Let your yes mean yes…Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone…Rise, pick up your mat…I do will it, be healed…Father, forgive them for they know not what they do…I thirst…It is finished… Behold I am with you until the end of time”

Jesus Words call us back time and time again when we find ourselves in the shoes of Peter. Peter’s betrayal is not inspired to be included in the Gospel narratives to shame him or demonstrate a weakness of faith. Holy Spirit inspired its inclusion to inspire and strengthen each of us to hold Jesus’ word close to our own hearts for our own trials.

In the beginning was the Word (Jn 1:1)

Lord I am not worthy that you should come under my roof, but speak the word only (Mt 8:8)

Speak Lord, your servant is listening (1 Samuel 3:10)

Last Words, a third perspective

My God, My God, why have you abandoned me (Mt 27:46)

My soul is sorrowful even to death (Mt 26:38)

In the last fifteen years that I practiced Physical Therapy the average age of my patients was 86 (yes I actually figured that out). Many of my patients were walking that final stretch of road that we call “life.” I have been profoundly blessed to witness those who walk that road in peace and I have been saddened by those who seem to leave this world kicking and screaming. As The Passion was read, the Lord put before me the judgement I have a tendency to place upon those who go out kicking and screaming. I tend to assume that those who lack peace, lack faith. Jesus likes to remind me about that word, “assume” and He does so again. “My soul is sorrowful even to death.” Jesus knows His identity, He is the Beloved Son of the Eternal Father. Jesus, fully God is still fully human. He is the only human in history who knows with certainty what awaits Him at His death. Jesus knows He will be received lovingly into His Father’s arms, the reunion to beat all reunions. And yet, “My soul is sorrowful even to death.” This is a reassurance for each of us who walk this earth. We may fear the suffering that a diagnosis ensures; Jesus carries His own Cross of suffering. We may dread the indignities that too often come with aging, infirmity, and death; Jesus is stripped, spat at, mocked, and forced to carry His own Cross. We may dread and mourn those whom we will leave behind; Jesus suffered the abandonment of all but three and had to say His last words to them with bound hands, “Woman behold your son.” (Jn 19:26) We may fear that God will abandon us; in that moment upon the Cross with the weight of the sin of eternity upon Him, Jesus did suffer separation from the Father, “My God, My God, why have You abandoned Me?” Each step of His passion, with each spoken Word, Jesus speaks volumes to each of us. Death is still difficult even when our faith assures us that we have something far greater ahead. Even in death there is no go around for our Lord, there is only the go through. In His Passion, Jesus takes on the consequences of all sin: separation from God. Jesus gives us a gift that we can carry through our lives. Jesus assures us that He fulfills one of His last promises, “Behold I am with you always, even to the end of time.” (Mt 28:20) In His passion Jesus shows us that it is human to walk toward death with sorrow, but He also assures us that we need never experience that sorrow alone. Today is Good Friday. Consider spending time with the Lord in His Passion, asking Him to open your heart, mind, and soul to the Truth He wants to reveal to you. It’s a beautiful day to spend with the Lord at church if you can, “could you not keep watch with me for one hour?”

Last Words, second perspective

It is the hour traditionally marked by our Lord’s death, 3:00pm (actually 3:30) and I have been dragging my feet. I have spent time organizing for a trip, running errands, picking up dog doo, and planning a seminar for church. I have been like the disciples, scattered. It has been on my heart to write and share this next perspective that I had on The Passion but I have allowed distraction to enter my day. It may also be timidity. This perspective is one that is a little bit of a mind bender, perhaps intended just for my intercessory prayer heart, but it keeps coming forward, so I will follow the prompt.

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled.  Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing. Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour has come, and the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners. (Mt 26:36-45)

“Could you not stay and pray with me for one hour?” These are words that I whisper to myself often when I find myself in the midst of spiritual sloth: in the morning when I would like to go back to sleep, when I feel that church is just going to “hamper” my day, when I resent a commitment I have made to serve Christ. “Could you not stay and pray with me for one hour?” I hope that these words will also become engraved upon your heart. As I heard this passage being read on Sunday, a thought intruded, “Why did Jesus check back three times? Why interupt His own prayer?” There is a pattern that is established in these verses. Jesus and patterns are not to be ignored. Jesus tells His disciples that He is in agony, He has told them what is going to happen, He asks for prayer. Three times our Lord goes off by himself and implores the Father to spare the fate of the Cross. Three times He returns to find the disciples asleep. In this moment I imagined Jesus, fully human, acting very human, and perhaps bargaining with God the Father. Perhaps in His prayer, He implores the Father, that the sacrifice is not needed, that becoming human, and giving the world the living breathing example of the life and relationship with God we are all called to is enough. Perhaps He implores His disciples to stay and pray with Him because there is greater power in praying in numbers, “Wherever two or more are gathered in my name…” Perhaps He hoped that if the Disciples loved Him enough they too would fervently ask that God would spare His Son. Jesus came back again and again hoping that what He had already done was enough, but they proved again and again the weakness of humanity and slept. And so after three hours of prayer, our Lord and His Father were set in the Way of the Cross. Man by himself, even with God next to him, is not able to overcome the fall. My second question is answered quickly, “Why didn’t He just stay with them, close by, and keep them awake?” “Free will” is the reply. God does not want us to act out of obligation, but love. Jesus, going off at a distance, allowed the disciples to choose their response. My heart breaks for my Savior every time I read this account. It breaks for the failure of the disciples and it breaks over my own times of failure. I cannot physically go back 2000 years to be “the one” for our Lord, but I can be there for Him in spirit now. Jesus’ moment in the Garden of Olives stands independent of time and space because He is God. When I unite myself to that time and space and spend time in prayer, I can be “the one” who for a moment comforts Jesus and shows Him that what He is about to do is not in vain. Finally, this passage bolsters my firm committment to intercessory prayer. Jesus sets the bar for what we can bring to the Father, the impossible. When we or someone we love are struggling and don’t see a way out, let us unite ourselves in the garden with the Lord. Jesus was unable to avoid the Way of the Cross because His Way of the Cross opened the door for each of us to be redeemed and to call God Father. Jesus didn’t come to simply be a role model, He came to be a Savior. May we honor the Cross daily by going to our Father in prayer, full of hope, trust, and love.

Last Words

Welcome to Holy Week! These past five weeks may have flown by for some and dragged for others. Some may have held strong to their Lenten commitments while others slipped. Wherever today finds you, today is a new day in the eyes of the Lord and we have the opportunity to draw closer to Him as He draws closer to Easter Sunday. We opened this week at Mass with the reading of the Passion. When I was younger I dreaded this past Sunday. So much more standing and a longer Mass, bummer (it was akin to when I would see all the First Communicants lined up). This Sunday, as we stood to read our Lord’s Passion, I asked Holy Spirit to open new intricacies for me. As we progressed I was sorely wishing I had a pen handy to mark up my booklet. God provides. One of my go to books at this time of year is, The Seven Last Words, by Fulton Sheen. There are beautiful essays written that revolve around one of Christ’s final “words” (aka sentences) in His Passion. On Monday as I began rereading the Passion with pen in hand, Holy Spirit showed me seven new perspectives that lie within the reading, my own seven last words from the Lord. Today I will share with you the first. I am including a link to the Passion reading, please consider spending some time in prayer with it this week.

When it was evening, He reclined at table with the Twlve. And while they were eating, He said, “Amen, I say to you, one of you will betray me…It would be better for that man if he had never been born.” (Mt 26:21, 24) Immediately he went over to Jesus and he kissed him. Jesus answered him, “Friend, do what you have come for.” (Mt 26:49-50) Then Judas, His betrayer, seeing that Jesus had been condemned, deeply regretted what he had done. He returned the thirty pieces of silver… “I have sinned in betraying innocent blood.”… he departed and went off and hanged himself. Mt 27:3-5)

We start with a prophetic word from Jesus, “one of you will betray me.” Judas’ fate was not sealed the moment he dipped his bread with Jesus, it was not sealed when he accepted 30 pieces of silver, it was not even sealed when he handed our Lord over. I believe that Jesus, ever merciful and seeking to lose none the Father gave Him, was reaching out again and again to save Judas on this night. I believe that in uttering this prophecy, Jesus was trying to assure Judas that He knows what needs to be done, that He accepts what needs to be done. Jesus was trying to save Judas the fate of the second prophecy, ‘It would be better for that man if he had never been born.” Jesus’ own words to Judas later are the key to this revelation, “Friend, do what you have come for.” Friend. Jesus called Judas “friend,” still. This was not a word used in sarcasm, anger, betrayal, or judgement. This was a word used in love and forgiveness. I imagine Jesus silently imploring Judas to believe those words, to remember Jesus’ ministry of forgiveness of sins, “I came for mercy, not sacrifice.” We get a peak into the heart of Judas later in the Passion, “seeing that Jesus had been condemned, deeply regretted what he had done.” This tells us two things. First, Judas didn’t fully realize what the outcome of his actions were; he knew Jesus to be innocent as only the Messiah can be, and never expected the outcome of condemnation. If he had, he would never have regretted his decision. In that moment perhaps Holy Spirit was breaking through by lifting the curtain and revealing his guilt with the awakening of conscience. If we look at how Judas responded to the outcome of his actions, his despair becomes all the more tragic. Judas deeply regretted his actions, he confessed his sin, and he attempted to make reparation by giving back the silver. If Jesus had been standing there what would He have done? Jesus would have done what He he did for the woman at the well, the woman caught in adultery, and the man who was lame, and Peter after the resurrection. Jesus would have forgiven Judas. Judas’ damnation, predicted by Jesus, was not the result of betrayal, it was the result of despair. Judas couldn’t be healed by Jesus’ forgiveness because Judas couldn’t forgive himself. Let’s take a lesson from Judas. Jesus forgives. When we acknowledge our failures, repent our shortcomings, and try to be better, Jesus forgives. In my own life and in the conversations I have with others I recognize time and again the wound that remains when we cannot forgive ourselves. Spend some time with Jesus today. Ask Him, “Jesus, where am I hurting because I won’t forgive myself?” Then ask Him, ‘Jesus will you help me to forgive myself?” We can’t do it on our own, we must lean on the Cross of our Savior.

The Passion

Five Funerals and No Weddings

They pressed into service a passer-by, Simon, a Cyrenian, who was coming in from the country, the father of Alexander and Rufus, to carry His cross.  (Mk 15:21)

They were looking for Jesus and saying to one another as they stood in the temple, “What do you think? That he will not come to the feast at all?” (Jn 11:56)

But if I do them, even though you do not believe me, believe the works, so that you may know and understand that the Father is in me and I am in the Father. (Jn 10:38)

Therefore many of the Jews who had come to visit Mary, and had seen what Jesus did, believed in him. (Jn 11:45)

 This past Friday was a whirlwind. I started my day traveling to Chicago for the funeral of Uncle Jim (my fifth funeral this year) and finished my day leading a retreat at church on The Stations of the Cross. Heading into prayer these next two mornings, Holy Spirit converges the two. During the retreat, the above passage regarding Simon of Cyrene is part of the fifth station (the Stations of the Cross are a walk through Christ’s passion and death broken up into 14 “stops” of reflection). For our retreat we reflected on the witness that Simon was to his sons in this moment and then invited the participants to “Pause for a moment, and think of who is observing you- who is close enough to you to see if following Christ has changed you for the better?”

These days when you attend a funeral in church it is sadly apparent that there is a large percentage of people who find themselves in unfamiliar territory (at church). I imagine that there are those in the “crowd” who stand in church witnessing this funeral wondering where Jesus is. “Will He show up?” As I sat in church my attention was drawn again and again to the front pews of church where Uncle Jim’s five children sat (4 daughters, one son). Their grief was apparent but in the midst of that grief, Jesus was present as well. During the Mass at one time or another each of my cousins had that moment of grief, the one that breaks through the surface of their heart and presents for all to witness. And each time a sibling was ready with a hug and encouraging word helping their family member through grief. Jesus was in those hugs, hand holds, and whispers. Jesus is always present in love, and my Uncle Jim taught each of those kids what love means. In his fatherhood, Uncle Jim witnessed Christ. Each time I had the honor of watching Uncle Jim with his kids it was evident that he was a good, good father. Uncle Jim worked until he was at least 80! He did this not simply out of love of work (which he had) but necessity. He sacrificed his life for his kids; helping to put them through college and seeing them off into their own families through weddings. Five children in and of itself is a sign of God’s love! When you really think about it, the sacrifice that children call upon the lives of the parents only makes sense in the context of our God: The Father’s sacrifice of His only Son, and the Son’s sacrifice of His earthly life, not for themselves but for us, their adopted sons and daughters. My Uncle Jim’s last stand on earth came in his last Rite of Christian Burial. In the context of the Mass, Uncle Jim pointed to Jesus upon the cross as each of his children greeted each mourner with gratitude, joy, and love; as each child filled the pews and comforted each other; as each child took turns tending to their mother. There may have been those present who thought that church empty of a Savior, not able to see with the eyes of faith the Savior that makes himself present in the Eucharist. I pray that they were able to see Jesus Christ risen in the love of a good father expressed through the love of his children. We enter Holy Week today. Where is the Lord asking us to be Simon of Cyrene? Where can we take up the Lord’s cross and witness Him to others?

Called Out

The Death of Lazarus

11 Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. 2 (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) 3 So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”… “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up.”…When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home. 21 “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”23 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”24 Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”27 “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”28 After she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. “The Teacher is here,” she said, “and is asking for you.” 29 When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him…32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

35 Jesus wept.

36 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”37 But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?” 38 Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. 39 “Take away the stone,” he said. “But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”40 Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”41 So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42 I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”43 When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

Lent is a time where our Lord Jesus stands at our tombs and calls us out. We are in one way or another spiritually asleep and Jesus wishes to enter into this season and awaken us. As I allow myself to ‘enter in’ scripture, I see time and again moments where our Savior relives His earthly moments in my own life.

“Lord, if You were here…”

How often is this my prayer in times of difficulty? It may sound more like, “Where are you in this Lord?” or “Why didn’t You answer my prayer?” or “I just don’t understand God’s will for me right now.” Faith exists in those words, “If you were here…”, faith that we believe God can do anything. These words of faith can reveal a chasm in our knowing and understanding of our Savior.

"I am the way, the truth, and the life…do you believe this?”

Believing that Jesus is the way, truth, and life calls us to understand that His way is not always going to be my way.

For my ways are not your ways

Jesus does not conform to me, I must conform to Him. I must walk with Him day in and day out and allow Him to show me the Father’s glory. I am slowly learning to do this, slowly. Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus I trust that You are here with me now, that You are going to see me through to the other side of this. I trust that the reason I am not getting my way in this moment is so that You can be glorified even greater in Your way. “I believe that You are the Messiah, the Son of God.” Each Lent is an opportunity for me to spend time in that inner room with Jesus and look at my life: my wants, my dreams, my relationships, my struggles, my pain. Where in that list am I laying in the tomb of My Will? Where am I being called by Jesus to show me His Will and His Glory? Where is Jesus calling me out to be more fully alive? Jesus calls me time and time again; each time that I allow Him to, He has indeed shown me the glory of the love of His Father who always hears Him. We have two weeks left in lent. We may be thinking that it is too late, that there is too little time to really experience profound change. Let the words of our Savior encourage us to answer His call…

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?” 26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Mt 19:25-26)

Shepherd me O God…

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Jeff and I have been to four funerals in the past two months. I think in the previous ten years we had been to four funerals. I keep getting “reassured” that this is the season of life we are now entering, sigh. This past Sunday’s readings and today’s include Psalm 23. Halfway through Lent it is meant to be a beacon of light to the weary Lenten traveler. It became a beacon of light to this weary traveler but not because I am weary from Lent but because I am preparing to say to goodbye. Two weeks ago, driving home from Kingston, I was filled with a conviction from the Holy Spirit that my time with our 13 year old cockapoo was short. Several days later I noticed the bulge in her abdomen. Last week Monday, I took her to see the vet. I brought her home with the knowledge that while we can continue to juggle treatments to extend her time with us that the more merciful thing to do would be to let her go.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want

I left the vet with a tentative date of Monday, March 20 and some medication that may perhaps “perk her up.” Perk her up it did and allowed a lot of second guessing and doubt to enter my mind and heart. In a phone call to Emma I cried that I was really struggling to put Anna down. I told her that if I knew that somehow I would see Anna again it would be easier. No surprise for those who know me, research ensued. Human “life after death” experiences have indeed included beloved passed on pets. I was comforted with this “knowledge” but our Lord did one better. Later in the day, waking from a nap, I was in that in between state (awake but not fully awake) and suddenly I became aware of Kit, our deceased cockapoo, sitting right in front of me. She was just looking up at me and she looked really happy. As I realized what I was seeing, I snapped out of that “in between” and became fully awake fast. In my heart I knew that God was providing me with what I needed in that moment, I shall not want.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want…He guides me in right paths…

Dr. Jaked was set to call on Wednesday to follow up and see how she was. My prayer to my Heavenly Father was for Dr. Jake to provide me the wisdom to make the right choice. Dr. Jake having reviewed all her tests and x-rays gave me both objective knowledge and personal wisdom to let me know that this was the best choice. He told me this news with exactly the right words that spoke to all my second doubting and guilt. James, our son, who is currently studying abroad in Ireland and unable to come home, gave me the next piece of wisdom, “please don’t take her in to the vets office, see if you can have it done at home.” Dr. Jake would be able to accommodate that wish since we had time to plan, the date was moved to Tuesday to allow for this.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want… Only goodness and kindness follow me…

The gospel this past Sunday was Jesus giving sight to the blind man using the ordinary (spit and dirt). Jesus used the ordinary this past week to give me sight of His presence and to provide me with the extraordinary, peace in the midst of sorrow. One of Anna’s health issues is a severely arthritic spine. In the past year this has resulted in Anna withdrawing: she no longer sleeps under the covers, she no longer likes to be held, and if you try to pet her, she gets up and walks away. This past week Anna has asked to be held, she has returned under the covers, and she has taken her place next to me on the couch again, she has allowed me to stop and pet her, and has come asking for pets. For the doubters out there, her new medication was antibiotics not additional pain medication. God was allowing us to give Anna a proper goodbye and Anna to fully receive it.

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord for years to come

In the midst of sorrow and indecision, in the midst of the fog that arose in my daily habits as a result of all this, one thing held true for me. My Lenten promise from last year which became a regular practice, daily Mass. I have returned to the house of the Lord time and again this week. Within minutes of handing my time over to Him, He has handed me peace. The Lord has indeed shepherded me this past week. I have felt Him beside me, with His rod and staff guiding, and I have felt Him lift me up and carry me. Death is an unavoidable reality. Jesus as Savior allows us to see beyond the realm of loss and into the ordinary moments where we can recognize the extraordinary care, love, and compassion of a Good Shepherd.

Who let the dogs out?

Jesus said to the Pharisees, “There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores. ( Luke 16:19-21)

Every lent this reading comes to the forefront, a dire warning against the apathy of wealth that can lead us away from recognizing the face of need. This reading is a cornerstone for the practice of fasting. I know what you might be saying, “Fasting? Don’t you mean tithing?” No, today the Lord shows me that in fasting, in going without and experiencing a temporary poverty, we can better see the poverty of others. Jesus showed me this by highlighting the words, “Even the dogs came and licked his sores.” This single line spoke volumes to me this morning. The apathy of the rich man takes on a new depth. Jesus doesn’t add extra detail to His parables to gross us out, but to fill us in. Those dogs were present because Jesus would have seen how dogs tend to congregate around the houses of wealthy. Dogs knew where there was plenty and where the table scraps were plentiful. Those dogs received from the rich man more Lazarus at his feet. If we rush past the gross, we miss another poignant truth that Jesus weaves into His narrative. The vast majority of times that we hear about sores in the bible our minds go to leprosy, at least mine does. Lazarus’ sores are not the sores of leprosy though; he would never have been allowed near the rich man’s house. The sores Lazarus suffered were most likely a side effect of his starvation. As he slowly starved and wasted away, he became too weak to move, and with his fat padding long gone, Lazarus would have developed pressure ulcers. Sadly in my years as a Physical Therapist I have seen more of this than I would have liked, not on the doorstep of the rich but in the nursing home beds of the unwanted. Jesus weaves the dogs in not only to show us the rich man’s great apathy, but also to show that those dogs demonstrated more mercy than man. Those dogs were not apathetic. They too have gone without and been desperate and Jesus has the dogs give Lazarus what they can, comfort to his wounded body by licking his wounds clean. I imagine this Gospel spoke often to the heart of St. Mother Theresa. Jesus wasn’t done with me yet. There is one other Gospel story that references dogs that I know of and if I have learned one thing, the Bible does not contain coincidences of word choice. The Word made Flesh, chooses words wisely.

Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon.  A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is demon-possessed and suffering terribly.” Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.” He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.” The woman came and knelt before him. “Lord, help me!” she said. He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.” “Yes it is, Lord,” she said. “Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.” Then Jesus said to her, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.” And her daughter was healed at that moment. (Mt 15:21-28)

I never fully understood how this mother’s words could stir Jesus to say she has great faith. I recognized her perseverance and her wit, but always wondered what it was about “even the dogs eat the crumbs” that moved Jesus. Today I was given a possible answer to my question. Luke tells us that Jesus was speaking to the Pharisees in His parable about Lazarus, and to be sure there is much that we know the Pharisees could stand to learn from this parable. What if Jesus was speaking not only to the Pharisees but to the heart of a mother? Think about it. This mother threw Jesus’ words back at him. What if her faith was not in her perseverance or wit, but in her witness? What if she heard Jesus’ parable either directly or through word of mouth and it pierced her heart and gave her the faith and courage to step outside social norms? How beautiful! Jesus, Word made flesh, in that moment sought to effect a change of heart in the Pharisees, yet it may very well have been the heart of an outsider that His word came to rest, root, and yield its harvest.

So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:11)

We are two weeks into Lent, a time where many a heart and willpower begins to weary. It is easy to tell ourselves that God does not want us to suffer, that fasting is really not “needed.” Hold strong my faithful companion! The challenges that we face in the poverty of our “no” to self build us up to say “yes” to other.

Rest now in Me

Queen Esther, “God of Abraham, God of Isaac, and God of Jacob, blessed are you. Help me, who am alone and have no help but you…Now help me, who am alone and have no one but you, O Lord, my God…Save us from the hand of our enemies; turn our mourning into gladness and our sorrows into wholeness.” (Esther C 14-25)

Jesus said to His disciples, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Jeff and I just finished up our three day diocesan retreat. We were challenged in the retreat to spend time creating a timeline of our growth with the Lord: key points of faith conversion in our lives. We were then tasked with finding someone with whom we could share a five minute witness of what the Lord has done in our lives. When you begin to map out your relationship with the Lord, and significant moments of that relationship, a sort of family album of [snapshots with the Lord] emerge. The Lord quickly placed upon my heart the one He wanted me to share. I am going to share it with all of you as well.

Jeff and I were asked to take over a ministry within our diocese. This was a “big ask” moment. As I have shared, I have identity issues as “beloved servant” and wrap myself in a mantle of “doing” for the Lord to feel worthy of His love. This opportunity was met with pride. I had pride in the ask, like, “I must be doing something right.” I also carry a “Pride of Yes”. I carry an identity that my strength is my willingness to say “yes”. Needless to say, we were discerning toward yes, until we weren’t. After many many long conversations, we saw that at this point in time in our lives this opportunity had to be a “No.” While I knew that it was the right decision I couldn’t help feeling that I had let the Lord down. I am also experiencing different losses in my life: future loss of pastor (Fr. Mark is leaving in June), loss of friendship, and another ministry loss. Jesus intervened into this intersection of spiritual need in a beautiful way. I was helping to facilitate a Blessed is She retreat at our parish and the last hour was spent in Adoration (Adoration is spending time in church with the Blessed Sacrament on display on the altar, in other words, spending time with Jesus in the flesh). We had moved a kneeler up within five feet of the sacrament for closer face to face prayer time and I had taken the opportunity early in the hour. I returned to my seat, closed my eyes, and asked Jesus, “What do you want me to do for Lent?” Remember what I said about servant mentality? In an instant of time, Jesus stunned me with the image He brought to mind. In that moment, He showed me my current season of losses and my wound of abandonment and I felt in that instant His profound love and His deep desire to simply sit with me in this moment and heal me. My ears picked up on the sound before my brain registered it and I was startled to discover I was sobbing. Some may be thinking sobbing is a negative, but not this day. On this day I wasn’t sobbing the inconsolable tears of hopelessness, mine was a cry of my heart held in the embrace of its Eternal Father and able to release it’s burden. This snapshot is more than a moment of consolation, it is a conversion of my heart beginning to understand the unwavering, unchanging love of God. I am not the sum of my “yes”, I am simply His. The Lord seeks your heart as well. Seek Him. Ask Him. Knock upon His heart. He will answer and give you more than you knew to ask.

I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;
    before the gods I sing your praise;
I bow down toward your holy temple
    and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness;
    for you have exalted your name and your word
    above everything. On the day I called, you answered me,
    you increased my strength of soul. (Psalm 138)

As an addendum of sorts. The Lord drew me across the lunch room to a woman I had never had a conversation with before. After I shared my story, she shared how appropriate it was that I picked her. Her Lenten resolution is to spend one hour a week in Adoration. God is good, Amen!

It’s Yours,all Yours!

This is how you are to pray:

Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. (Matthew 6:7-15)

Several weeks ago in Mass as we were reciting the Lord’s prayer I had an epiphany. I had spent most of my life saying the Lord’s prayer wrong, at least one part of it. How many of us have uttered these words, “Thy will be done” with resignation. Our prayer for His will has been an act of reluctance of releasing our will to His will. Like we are doing something noble, that we are allowing God to not give us our way (which is really what most of us want). “Not my will Lord, but Your will.” I have heard this often and I have often prayed like this. So I am standing in church praying the Our Father, not reciting, but truly entering into it and God shows me the absurdity of our resignation to His will. God’s will for us is Holiness. God’s will for us is to have our joy be complete. God’s will for us is for us to become the person we were created to be. We should be shouting in a tone of praise and thanksgiving, “Thy will be done Lord, please thy will be done!” God’s will is goodness, truth, justice, love. God’s will is to take this mess of a world and introduce it to the Divine Physician. God’s will is healing and restoration. I have sat on this thought knowing that I should write and share but waiting for the right time. Well, today’s Gospel is the Our Father. Jeff and I were on retreat today and in the course of the day we prayed this prayer of our Lord’s not once, twice, or even three times. We prayed this prayer 5 times today. And so before I lay me down to sleep… I get the message Lord, I will send it on to others as well.

Thy will be done Lord! Please, thy will be done!

Be Perfect

Be Holy, For I the Lord your God am Holy (Lev 19:2)

So be perfect just as your Heavenly Father is perfect (Mt 5:48)

The wisdom of this world is foolishness in the eyes of God (1 Cor 3:19)

It is said that man plans and God laughs, “The Lord brings to nought the plans of nations, he foils the designs of people.” (Ps 33:10) I propose a new kernal of wisdom, “Man interprets God, and God weeps.”

For my thoughts are not your thoughts. (Is 55:8)

Be perfect. What is perfection to man? What images immediately come to mind? Another contemplation would be, “When do you see yourself as less than perfect?” My image of perfection earlier in my married life was to be a reflection of my idol of the time: Martha Stewart. I wanted to have the perfectly organized, clean, well decorated house. I wanted to grow my own food. I wanted perfectly planned and manicured gardens. I wanted people to ooh and aah over the feasts I presented. I pursued the hand- made holidays. I pursued this construct of perfection, chasing after the false god of admiration of others. Isn’t that what most of us interpret on a day to day basis when we place the ideal of perfection upon ourselves? What will make others admire us, approve of us, perhaps envy us? God weeps. God’s command and our actions often have a disconnect. If life were a cartoon we would see the wily character who manipulates the train train track switches derailing us. That wily character is the devil and he is indeed derailing us.

Get behind me satan. You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do. (Mt. 16:23)

The devil is the master of deflection and he has us working very hard, and investing a lot of energy into an illusion so that we keep our real focus off of the actual intent. Have you ever heard someone use the phrase, “living the dream”? Did you ever think how approprot that statement is? It is usually in reference to the rat race we have created and it is a “dream”. The “dream” is not God’s truth, intent, or reality. We are not called to live the dream as Christians, we are called to live “the way.”

I am the way, the truth, and the life. (Jn 14:6)

What is perfection? You shall not turn to idols. You shall not hate your brother. You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge. Love your neighbor as yourself. Offer no resistance to one who is evil. Turn the other cheek. If anyone presses you for one mile, go two. Love your enemies. Pray for those who persecute you. (Lev 19/ Mt 5) Perfection is a quality of our heart. It is not just about the absence of wrong action, it is the presence of loving action. This is the perfection of God, loving action. How often humanity slaps His cheek, presses Him into service, asks forgiveness. Day in and day out, out of love, He grants us so much and more.

For He makes the sun to rise and set on the bad and the good, and causes the rain to fall on the just and unjust. (Mt 5:45)

This is holiness, this perfection; to live an existence of love independent of return. I recently learned a beautiful bible fun fact. The word Jesus uses for “perfection” is only used twice in the Gospels. Here and on the cross. When Jesus utters, “It is finished”, He utters the same word as perfection. To be perfected is to be finished. We are a work in progress. Today we begin Lent, a season of allowing ourselves to be turned, challenged, changed. Let us spend time in prayer to root out the false perfection we work towards and strive instead toward the love God calls us to.

[In Due Time]

I enter morning prayer and the following words are brought to my consciousness:

Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.
Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend. (Albert Camus)

These are words that have resonated with me over the years and words that I have jokingly spoken to my husband if he is outpacing me on one of our walks. The key to prayer and good conversation is asking the extra question. “What Lord are you trying to show me?” Jesus shows me a beautiful example of how man can think they “get it” but in fact get it all wrong. Jesus shows me the words:

[When you run ahead, I WILL follow. When you follow I WILL lead you to your next best self. So that we can walk together side by side through eternity.]

This is our path to relation with Jesus. We race ahead straining for independence and autonomy. God willing, in the midst of our own GPS miscalculations we weary and allow Jesus to take the lead. From here, He will carry us through the brokeness to a place of greater strength, faith, trust, peace and wisdom. This brings us together with our Lord step in step, establishing a friendship marked by the back and forth of sharing, discovery, and trust. Of course the Spirit took this enlightenment and applied it today’s readings. Without the wisdom of the first, I would not have been easily led to the second.

“You are free to eat from any of the trees of the garden, except the tree of Good and evil. From that tree you shall not eat. The moment you eat from it, you are surely doomed to die.” (Genesis 2:15-17)

“Nothing that comes from the outside can defile that person; but the things that come out from within are what defile.” When He got home away form the crowd, His disciples questioned Him about the parable. He said to them, “Are even you likewise without understanding? Do you not realize that everything that goes into a person from outside cannot defile…” Mark 7:14-18

God did not deny man the fruit of the tree of good and evil because He sought to keep us ignorant. God knows us. He knows that we are runners. We run ahead with small pieces of His picture and we get it wrong. We twist it. We take what is black and white and we make gray. Even with the amazing capacity of our beautiful minds, we do not have God’s vast truth, knowledge, and wisdom. God desired to walk daily with us in the garden while He shared Himself and brought us step by step closer to Him. He sought to share this fruit with us over time as we were ready. The Gospel shows us man’s continued propensity to get it wrong. This reveals to us the ministry of Jesus Christ. Jesus came that He may once again walk with us and lead us to the Wisdom behind the knowledge. It is not enough for us to know “what.” We must be brought to God’s “why" otherwise we get it wrong. Jesus came to lead us to the great Who, What, Where, When, How, and most importantly Why of life so that we can stop running ahead or tagging behind. Jesus seeks to walk with us once more side by side in the paradise of friendship and betrothal.

Putting it Together

Hebrews 10:32,39

Remember the days past when, after you had been enlightened, you endured a great contest of suffering…You need endurance to do the will of God

Romans 5:3-5

 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,  and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us

Drawing close to our Lord does not come without its drawbacks. Over the years I have come to know one of those drawbacks far too well, Spiritual Warfare. The closer we draw to Jesus, the harder the devil will pursue and it’s not pleasant. Today’s first reading (Hebrews) whispers to this spiritual reality. “After you have been enlightened”; after God is opened up for us: our eyes are opened, our ears hear, and most importantly, our heart responds. “You endured a great contest of suffering”, aka spiritual warfare. What might this look like? Doubt, discouragement, unexplained sadness, discord with friends and family, a feeling of isolation. As many ways as our Lord has to draw us close, the devil has ploys to draw us away. “Why?” This has been my question so often over the years. “Why would the Lord permit this?” “Why can’t I just remain on the mountaintop of enlightenment?” St. Paul answers this question for me today. I still live firmly on planet earth. To complete this race of Christianity requires endurance and the race of endurance requires [timely trials]. (Any of you who have runners in your life will appreciate the Holy Spirit’s play of words there.) We need endurance to do the will of God. Endurance is hard earned no matter the type, physical or spiritual. I have learned over the years two great truths that have served me well in Spiritual Warfare. First, the devil may try to blind side me, but I am a beloved daughter of God. That means that the devil has no authority and when I sense his attack, I can tell him to go back to… well you know where. And I do. Regularly. It is one of my exceptions for using profanity. He seems to respond well, no surprise. Second, I have learned to recognize that spiritual warfare is a sign that I am moving in the right direction, toward God and His will. The devil wouldn’t need to fight me if I wasn’t. As I read the first reading and its truths settled, the Holy Spirit brought me Paul’s letter to the Romans. Now I understood how Paul could rejoice in suffering. Spiritual suffering isn’t fun, but it is a sign that we are on track, this gives us our hope. Today’s gospel may seem unconnected to St. Paul’s letter, but the Spirit shows me differently.

Mark 4:26-34

“The kingdom of God is as if a man should scatter seed on the ground. He sleeps and rises night and day, and the seed sprouts and grows; he knows not how…“With what can we compare the kingdom of God, or what parable shall we use for it? It is like a grain of mustard seed, which, when sown on the ground, is the smallest of all the seeds on earth, yet when it is sown it grows up and becomes larger than all the garden plants and puts out large branches, so that the birds of the air can make nests in its shade.”

You may have noticed my absence from this blog (or not). January has been a mountain of ministry for me. I have been leading both a book study on Matthew Kelly’s, Holy Moments, and Oremus, a video series on prayer. Now I would like to preface this that I chose both of these ministries. I looked forward to both these ministries. I love the concept of Holy Moments and we all know I love prayer. I, however, am an inpatient sower of seed. The devil knows this and uses it regularly against me to sow his own doubt, discouragement, and fatigue. When you lead ministry, you love to see light bulb moments of enlightenment where you know Jesus and that person just made contact. There are stretches of time that can go by where you might not see any flickers of light, such was the case last week. I hit a wall of feeling useless. Thankfully God is good and I have worked to increase my endurance. First the Lord spoke to me through another’s Wisdom, “You are not responsible for another person’s spiritual growth. That is God’s job.” Before I went into my next round of “classes,” I was inspired by a brilliant idea. I just wanted the Holy Spirit to lead. I wanted to get out of my own way (read, not put my foot in it). I prayed to God, “God, for the period of time that I am leading these classes, I freely give you my free will and ask that the Holy Spirit just take over.” This week in my Holy Moments class He was present and lights were lighting, God is good. The Lord in the midst of this sent me a second consolation that brings it all back to today’s Gospel. A man in the group suddenly said to me, “You have no idea the seeds that you are planting through these classes you teach.” I am not kidding. Those words. Jesus is encouraging me to endurance, through His words and others. Keep sowing seeds. I may never see the fruition, but I carry the hope of God’s love that is being poured into my heart through the Holy Spirit, and it is well.