Lectio Collect: Final Take

Almighty ever-living God, Who in abundance of your kindness surpass the merits and the desires of those who entreat you, pour out your mercy on us to pardon what conscience dreads and to give what prayer does not dare ask.

To give what prayer does not dare ask.

Blessed are the meek and humble for they shall inherit the earth. (Matthew 5:5)

We live in a culture of taking what we feel is rightfully ours. We are encouraged to pursue our desires unapologetically. The only person who is going to look out for #1 is me when I am “numero uno.” Humility is knowing and living the truth that I am not Number One. Meekness isn’t mousiness either. Meekness is control. Meekness is holding myself back from taking. Holy Spirit enlightened me with these words, [Meekness is humility in action. Meekness is stepping back and allowing God to step in.] Meekness is trusting that God, who is Love and Mercy itself, will in fact give me far more than I will ever deserve. To dare not to ask, is to let go and let God. Profound! It is through meekness, this discipline of holding back from grabbing, taking, and claiming, that we, as God’s children, can finally be free to receive what God desires to abundantly give. Can I practice the discipline of meekness in my prayer? Can I model The Savior in my moments of need?

Not my will, but yours. (Luke 22:42)

Where in my life am I grabbing? Where am I number one? It is okay to tell The Father why you fear letting this go. Share your heart with Him; going back to the first reflection, starting in prayer is the start of humility. Ask Him for the grace to let go. Ask Him for the grace of trust. Be patient in the waiting. He has been infinitely patient waiting for you to finally let Him be number 1. Let go. Let God. Be renewed. Receive. Amen.

Lectio: Collect Prayer, take two

Almighty ever-living God, who in the abundance of your kindness surpass the merits and desires of those who entreat you, pour out your mercy upon us to pardon what conscience dreads and to give what prayer does not dare ask. (Daily collect prayer)

Pur out your mercy on us to pardon what conscience dreads

Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted (Matthew 5:4)

Behold the lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world (John 1:29)

We all carry the wounds of sin. Our own sin and the sin of others, directly and indirectly. Think ripple effects (one of the earliest reflections I shared over four years ago). The British have a saying, “Keep Calm and Carry On.” I think that we spend much of our time trying to just “carry on.” We bury to protect ourselves. We try to cope using the mechanism of forgetting. Burying and forgetting, in essence, “carrying on” is a tool of the enemy. We never truly forget what is etched on our hearts and souls. This prayer calls this truth to mind. There is but one resolution, one cure, one true coping mechanism: God’s surpassing mercy.

I am the way, the truth, and the life. (John 14:6)

We all have “dreads” of the conscience. Those are the words which really hit home that evening in Mass. What our conscious dreads is what we have hidden, supressed, or ignored. This prayer is a prayer of consolation and not condemnation. God desires to bring His mercy into what we dread. He seeks to console and to heal.

For they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)

God desires to go where we dread.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. (Revelation 3:20)

We are each invited to invite He Who Takes Away The Sins of the World in. What is Jesus seeking to heal in your life? What sin of your own doing or another’s have you been carrying for far too long? Spend time with His Words provided above and in prayer ask Him to show you what He is ready to heal so that you can truly carry on.

Lectio: Collect Prayer, take one

Almighty ever-living God, who in the abundance of your kindness surpass the merits and desires of those who entreat you, pour out your mercy upon us to pardon what conscience dreads and to give what prayer does not dare ask. (Daily collect prayer)

Over the weekend of October 4-5 it was my turn to proclaim God’s Word at the Saturday evening Mass. When I do this I am usually a bit distracted by anxiety and mentally going over what I am reading, how I am proclaiming God’s Word, and most importantly reminding myself when I am supposed to approach the altar. It is often an exercise of nerves which I am busy offering to the Holy Spirit. This is all happening at the beginning of Mass, a time when it is easy to go on autopilot. During this time the priest will open with a brief prayer that I often find formal and uninspiring or which is tuned out due to mental distraction. Admittedly what I often hear is the Charlie Brown, “Wah, Wah, Wah.” In the midst of nerves and mental olympics on this day the above prayer broke through and filled me with awe. I sat down with pen and paper the next day and broke it all down. In this simple easily overlooked prayer so much truth, wisdom, reassurance, and encouragement are housed. Today I bring you Lectio: Collect Prayer.

Almighty ever-living God, who in the abundance of your kindness surpass the merits and desires of those who entreat you

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven (Matthew 5:3)

Pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:16)

Taking just the first half of this short prayer there are three truths that we are invited to call to our consciousness again and again. God is almighty and eternal. I think we hear this so much that we don’t give it time to resonate. God is and He always will be ~AND~ God can, period. Go ahead, fill in the blank. God can ______. There is nothing that our human minds can imagine that He is not able to do, NOTHING. He is the ONLY ONE capable of this. To fully recognize this is to be filled with awe, which is really the virtue, fear of the Lord. It can also fill us with a different fear, the cowering kind. This brings us to our second truth: God’s kindness is abundant. I think each of us has experienced either directly or indirectly power used to harm us. We often transfer those painful experiences wrought by man to expectations of what to expect from the God that can. The God that can, chooses to act in abundant kindness. We also live in a world of quid pro quo. We receive what we give or what we deserve. We are back to square one of that pesky cowering fear. Enter truth point three: God’s kindness surpasses our merit. God is not a God of quid pro quo. The eternal God chooses to be the God who can and will do Good. “How”, we might ask, “are we supposed to respond to these truths?” Jesus’ words answer this question, “Blessed are the poor in spirit…” This statement has challenged me, this idea of poor in spirit. Don’t I want to be rich in spirit? Holding all these things in prayer, it is prayer that answers. To be poor in spirit is to pray. Each and every time that we lift our hearts in prayer we are acknowledging 1. God is 2. God can 3. God is good. St. Paul provides the prescription for maintaining poverty of spirit, pray without ceasing. This is how we attain the Kingdom of Heaven. [Where else does the Kingdom of Heaven meet earth but at the intersection of prayer?] It is much like the “little way” of St. Therese. We are simply asked to lift our arms up to our Father and allow Him to pick us up. Spend time with these truths. May they comfort and encourage you to lift your heart in prayer again and again this week! Stay tuned as I continue Lectio: collect prayer in the next post.

Moving Forward

Siempre Adelante (Always Forward, never back) ~ St. Junipero Serra

The Lord said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you…so Abram went as the Lord told him. (Genesis 12:1,4)

The Lord says, I will make you wise and show you where to go. I will guide you and watch over you. (Psalm 32:8)

I am coming to accept a difficult truth: there is a chasm that lies between dreaming and realizing. This is what I will call the chasm of action. Intent is not, in fact, action. Alas, it is not the thought that counts. Jeff and I are in the countdown to Jeff’s retirement (under 90 days). We are rapidly breaching the gap of ‘someday’ to ‘this day.’ this has required action in the form of ‘first steps.’ In many ways I feel like I am being led to the edge of a cliff and asked to jump over and over. Jeff had to give his notice to his employer. We had a realtor come look at our house and discuss when we should put it on the market. We made the ‘book it now’ commitment to a month in Savannah to spend part of winter in a warmer climate in a highly walkable city. We have been filling our garbage bin to the brim weekly and taking carloads to Goodwill as we sift through 30 years of accumulated stuff. We have begun the hand over process of our church ministries. Cliff after cliff, step by step, always forward. This is a momentum of trust, a momentum of love, and a momentum of faith. Without our relationship with God, both individually and within our marriage, we would NOT be taking these steps. God planted this dream almost 20 years ago. He has shaped it. He had provided for it and yet He continues to unfold this forward momentum one step at a time. There are A LOT of unknown variables, blank pages if you will. Every Day, let me repeat myself, every day, I doubt, I fear, I question, and I try to put together back-up plans. Every day, in prayer, the God of abundant kindness reassures me. He walks me down the path that has led us here. He doesn’t magically reveal anything new. He simply stands on the truth of Who He has been, Who He is, and Who He will continue to be. Let’s face it, it is easy to dream. It is easy to plan. Neither of these is actual forward momentum. At some point when we trust that our plans and dreams are in keeping with who He calls us to be, we must move from intention to intionally acting. I pray that these words inspire you to also breach a chasm you have been facing in your life. Please pray for me as I resolutely move always forward.

From ingratitude to In gratitude

 He said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21)

give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

I was on vacation with my mom in Savannah/Charleston when the words [from ingratitude to In gratitude] inspired and convicted me. I was inspired over a year ago by the Holy Spirit to take my mom on this trip. She has not had a proper vacation in five years. That time has been filled with what I believe to be her gift of service. She has been serving her family through some difficult needs. I am well known for my “art” of vacation planning (read: ability to handle logistics at a micromanagement level). This particular vacation was an advanced course in pivoting. There were “challenges” (read: things did not go the way I planned). With each of these challenges as I was able to pivot and recalculate I found myself returning to prayer to thank God for the pivot, for the wisdom and perseverance to keep moving forward. One day in prayer as I was once again giving “thanks” I saw that my thanksgiving was given in hindsight and almost always after complaining. Up to that point in time, my routine was: difficulty/problem - frustration/anger - prayer - resolution - thanksgiving. In other words, my gratitude flowed after ingratitude. This was a moment of seeing myself much more clearly in St. Paul’s “glass darkly glass.” I realized that while I see myself as a hope filled person who loves God and seeks God in my day to day life, I am pessimistic before I am optimistic. My gratitude is in hindsight not anticipation. I have trust issues. In gratitude (pun intended), God gave me several more opportunities during our vacation to become more grateful in anticipation and trust. When the rental car had a flat tire the night before our departure: Jesus I trust that you’re going to get us to the airport safely, thank you. When our flight was delayed and it looked like we might miss our connection: Jesus whenever you return me home safely, thank you. I am learning in this walk of faith that there is gratitude and then there is doctoral level gratitude. I am called to be grateful for the blessings God has given me. I am also challenged to be grateful for the blessings that I trust will come from the challenges of this life ~ before ~ I have received them. Allow me to revert though once again to the gratitude of hindsight. I am grateful for all of the ways that God did indeed provide during our vacation, most of all I am grateful that I can look back over the week that I got to spend with my mom as a beautiful gift.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

Each day does indeed hold challenges for each of us. Where is God inviting you to be forward thinking in gratitude today?

At the well of repentence

A certain Pharisee invited Jesus to dine with him, and he entered the Pharisee’s house and reclined at table.
Now there was a sinful woman in the city who learned that he was at table in the house of the Pharisee.
Bringing an alabaster flask of ointment, she stood behind him at his feet weeping and began to bathe his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them, and anointed them with the ointment. When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, that she is a sinner.” Jesus said to him in reply, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” “Tell me, teacher,” he said. “Two people were in debt to a certain creditor;
one owed five hundred days’ wages and the other owed fifty. Since they were unable to repay the debt, he forgave it for both. Which of them will love him more?”
Simon said in reply,
“The one, I suppose, whose larger debt was forgiven.”
He said to him, “You have judged rightly.”

Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. (Revelation 2:4)

“You can’t have revival without repentance.” This was the kickoff mantra of night two of the Eucharistic Revival. I remember standing in Lucas Oil Stadium with 60,000 fellow Catholics and thinking, “Why do we always have to go to repentance? Why can’t we just hit the high notes? Let’s stay on the mountaintop!” The good news of Jesus isn’t good news unless we recognize where we fall short and need a savior. I have been walking through the Gospel of Mark with my mom this summer. Each week we read a chapter and discuss what stood out to us and what it means in our lives. Mark’s Gospel starts out with John the Baptist, “And so John the Baptist appeared in the wilderness, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.” (Mark 1:4). Jesus, embarking on His mission, carried the baton of repentance, “The kingdom of God has come near. Repent and believe the good news!” (Mark 1:15) Many of us become a little squirmy at the word repent. I am going to share some insight from Bishop Barron on the deeper meaning of the greek word used in the Gospels: Metanoia.

Again we consult Jesus’ opening speech in Mark’s Gospel: “Repent.” The word so often and so misleadingly translated as ‘repent’ is metanoeite…the English word ‘repent’ has a moralizing overtone, suggesting a change in behavior or action, whereas Jesus’ term seems to be hinting a change at a far more fundamental level of one’s being. Jesus urges His listeners to change their way of knowing, their way of perceiving, their mode of seeing… But what exactly is the problem with the way we think and see?…we see and perceive with a mind of fear rather than a mind of trust. When we fear, we cling to who we are and what we have…hence when Jesus urges his listeners to believe…He is calling them to find the new center of their lives where He finds His own, in the unconditional love of God…It has everything to do with radical change of life and vision, with the simple and dreadfully complex process of allowing oneself to swim in the divine sea, to find the true self by letting go of the old center. (Bishop Barron, The Word on Fire Bible, A New Way of Seeing)

I just have to repeat the inspired beauty of that last line, “allowing oneself to swim in the divine sea.” When you put repentance in that light, who wouldn’t want that?! As I reflected on these words, Holy Spirit inspired others: [To repent is to let go.] [Repentance is not about shame. It’s not always about sin. Repentance is about learning to leave behind what holds us back from the fire of Christ’s love.] If we want the love of Christ to burn in our hearts, there are things that we will need to let go of. Jesus’ words to St. John in the book of Revelation should pierce our hearts, we have lost our first love. This is what “repentance” is really about: finding Him, seeing Him, and loving Him. I shared two of Jesus’ healings in my short time at the Eucharistic Congress. Each of those required my metanoia, repentance. I had to let go of my anger at the Church and I had to let go of my false perception. Jesus was then able to bring me a new vision and way of seeing that were provided through the lens of my letting go. For healing from my childhood trauma I had to let go of shame, let go of a lie of brokeness, and let go of anger. These moments of metanoia returned Jesus as my first love. At each and every Mass we are invited to metanoia. In the beginning of Mass we repeat, “Lord, have mercey…”. Did you know that in that moment we are invited to lift our broken selves and are able to receive forgiveness for our non-grave sins? (Grave sins require confession) Then again just before Eucharist we recite, “Lamb of God, You take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.” My whole life I have always interpreted that moment as Jesus taking away my sin, and He is, BUT my eyes were opened to the beauty that Jesus, through His healing, takes away the sins of others that I have suffered! This has profoundly elevated this moment in the Mass. Do you long to feel the flame of Jesus’ love anew? Do you long to let go of fear? Do you long to live this life through the lens of the unwavering love of God? Spend time in prayer asking Jesus what He is asking you to let go of. Seek the revival Jesus seeks to bring to your life through metanoia, and allow yourself to swim in the divine sea.

Great Defender

*Content trigger warning! This post contains references to molestation (NOT by clergy)

Jesus in the Eucharist facilitated two healings for me during the National Eucharistic Congress. Both powerful and both precisely timed by my Heavenly Father, facilitated by a loving Savior, and illuninated by Holy Spirit. I believe that every one of us carries wounds from our ‘families of origin’. I believe that we can also carry wounds from our spiritual ‘family of origin.’ I can remember from an early age being fascinated by Mass. I watched the priest with close attention during the Eucharistic Prayer in particular. At one point in time I actually thought that I was psychic as I was able to ‘predict’ the next words out of Father’s mouth. This was how closely I listened. After my First Communion I remember holding Mass in my dining room with my little Mass book that I had received as a gift (which I recently came across in clearing out our basement). My first wound (and with further reflection, the core wound) was the wound of exclusion. As a girl I was not allowed to become a priest or even an altar server in my day. There was actually a time in my adult life that I pondered leaving the Catholic Church and becoming Episcopalian so that I could enter seminary. My parents had a vibrant social life within the churches they belonged in my early childhood. As Jeff and I joined our church here in Green Bay and welcomed our first child I was certain that our life would mirror my parents with a close knit group of parents. Despite weekly Mass attendance, volunteering, and having our children in the Catholic school, Jeff and I felt like outsiders most of the 19 years we sent our kids through school: the wound of exclusion. Almost seven years ago after my deeper conversion within the faith I was ready to spread my fire to the rest of the congregation. I have been stonewalled in major ways not once but twice: the wounds of exclusion. Some of you may be asking the same question that I have asked myself, “Why did you stay?” In one word: Eucharist. Our faithfulness to weekly Mass allowed my body and soul to recognize my elemental need for Jesus’ life giving food: body, blood, soul, and divinity. What else can explain a spiritual life thriving in the midst of harsh climate? Praying on the second morning of the National Eucharistic Congress I was filled with a profound love, gratitude, and awe of this church for the first time in my life. I could go back to those spaces of woundedness and feel whole without pain, regret, sorrow, or hurt. Jesus had healed my wound of exclusion without my even asking or realizing my deep need. For the first time I fully recognize that I belong, just as I am both to Jesus, and to His church. Jesus had turned exclusion into inclusion, just as He had done for the lepers, for the tax collectors, and for the woman at the well.

This first healing facilitated the second. This was integral to God’s perfect plan. I was so blown away by the grace of finally feeling fully alive within this church that my threshold of trust finally reached the level needed to receive the next healing. Let me tell you, this came out of the blue. While the first healing was facilitated by a Holy Hour of Adoration, the second healing was facilitated in receiving Eucharist during daily Mass. Coming back from communion on Friday, I knelt and entered my prayer room with Jesus as is my custom. Upon opening the door in my mind’s eye, I was transported back 42 to my childhood home in Milwaukee. I knew exactly what moment in my history I had landed at. It was a wounded place that I have tried to heal on my own. I have tried to ignore. I have tried to avoid. It was the moment that I told my parents that my friend’s father had inappropriately touched me on several occasions. This was well before molestation was openly discussed or dealt with in ‘healthy’ ways. My parents reaction was probably pretty typical for the time. They became very angry and forbid me to play with my friend anymore. They wanted to protect me. My nine year old self interpreted their anger as anger with me and that I had done something wrong and I was being punished. The enemy used the open door to plant the seed that this happened to me because there was something wrong with me. On this Friday, having just received Eucharist, while this was the moment in time I entered, it was not the scene that greeted me. God, the Father, along with Mary greeted me. They wrapped their arms around my nine year old self and they told me over and over, “You were just a little girl.” “You were just a little girl.” Such a simple and profound truth that had alluded me up to this moment. Tears washed down my face, relief, and release flooded my very being. I can go back to that space in time now and feel no shame, no hurt, no resentment.

“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6)

Receiving Jesus in the Eucharist allowed me to encounter my Heavenly Father in a profound moment of healing and grace (with Mary to boot!) Jesus waited 42 years for me in the Eucharist. He waited until my heart was ready to receive the healing He wished to facilitate. He brought me home to Abba so that Abba could take the pain, hurt, and lies away. Jesus waits for each of us in the Eucharist. We all have wounds. We all need His healing.

Be Held, Be Healed

Jeff and I in the "Hands of God" Ennis, Ireland 2023

I woke up last week with a song playing in my mind. I instantly recognized God radio and looked up the lyrics…

So when your on your knees and answers seem so far away, you’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held. Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place. (Just be held, Casting Crowns)

I wrote the lyrics down and that inspiration led to an almost two hour journaling session with the Holy Spirit. It started with some Words of inspiration placed on my heart, [In order to be healed you have to allow yourself to be held.] I noted that the word held is contained with the word healed, something I have never really seen before. I began to reflect on healing. Healing was the theme of our Friday session at the Eucharistic Congress. As a retired Physical Therapist I have spent much of my adult life focused on the mechanics of physical healing. When a person has an acute injury it is recommended that they follow the R.I.C.E. module: rest, ice, compression, and elevation. It is amazing how many patients would come to see me, weeks into pain and dysfunction, and they hadn’t tried any of these interventions. As I reflected on R.I.C.E. the parallel of the physical world with the spiritual world unfolded. When we suffer the pain of spiritual injury (emotional, psychological, trauma, etc) God has designed us for a similar R.I.C.E. module.

• Rest: Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10)

• Ice: "But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips" (Colossians 3:8) or as the Lord put it to me on this particular morning, [Take away the hot and bothered of woundedness.]

• Compression: For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” (Isaiah 43:13)

• Elevation: Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. (Philipians 4:8)

  If we try to go about the business of life without addressing an injury swiftly, oftentimes a cycle of pain, guarding, reduced blood flow, and inflamation set in leading to chronic injury. When patients would present to me with a six week history of pain and dysfunction and hadn’t taken any of the R.I.C.E. steps toward healing, I knew I would not be able to get by with the “easy button” interventions. This was going to take the “big guns.” My reflections on spiritual healing brought me to the image of Jesus on the cross, God’s “big gun.” Jesus took on the wounds of humanity with His own healing module. Jesus was still. He did not fight His persecution, He did not run or avoid it. Jesus allowed himself to be held in the will of His Father on that cross, elevated. He was wrapped in the burial cloths of death, compressed. He descended to hell to fight the enemy. Jesus did not fight the enemy with cold as we treat our injuries. This healing, the healing of the brokeness of humanity spanning eternity, this healing would take heat: the all consuming heat of Divine Love. I will never look upon the image of our Lord upon the cross the same. Later in my career another element of healing became more widely utilized: proper nutrition. Jesus provided this cornerstone to us two millenia ago in the Eucharist. Most Catholic churches have move the central crucifix directly over the altar and the Wisdom of that move has changed my participation in the Mass. Jesus reminds us at every Mass that He has defeated the enemy and He shows us how in His model of healing. Wanting our greatest, fastest, most complete healing Jesus then provides us with Himself: body, blood, soul, and divinity, as the Divine nutrition.

  This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. 51 I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh. (John 6:50-51)

We are not meant nor designed to heal ourselves. It is not possible. We are created for the creators healing. What are the wounds that you carry? Where do you seek healing? Spend time with our Lord in the practice of R.I.C.E. and then seek Him in the Eucharist. Be healed. Amen.

The Greatest Love Story

Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:8-9)

The one who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice. Therefore this joy of mine is now complete. (John 3:29)

As the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you. (Isaiah 62:5)

I sleep, but my heart is awake;
It is the voice of my beloved!
He knocks, saying,
“Open for me, my sister, my love,
My dove, my perfect one (Song of Solomon 5:2)

Each day of the Eucharistic Congress had a central message. The second day: The greatest love story. Fr. Mike Schmitz gave a powerful and beautiful talk of the story we all think we know, the story of a Father Who gave His only Son for us. The phrase that Fr. Mike kept repeating was, “You guys know this, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.” Do we though? For myself, that love story unfolded in a whirlwind in those five glorious mountaintop days. It continues to unfold and reveal itself to me to this day. I shared that during the opening night of adoration we witnessed the triumphant entry of Jesus in the Eucharist to the proclaimation: He is here. As Jesus was brought to the altar I felt this truth resonate in every cell and I sensed the Lord ask me (rather cheekily), "[Do you feel me now?'] My answer to him was filled with both tears and laughter, “Yes Lord.” We were led through a simple prayer meditation, “Jesus, show me who you are.” As I repeated this prayer, closed my eyes, and entered my inner room, Jesus did not keep me waiting. In my mind’s eye I saw two hands forming a heart.

That image then became two hands holding a heart.

Which morphed into an Irish Claddagh ring

Jesus desires to be my Bridegroom, my Beloved. In that same moment of realization I was enveloped in a warmth as if someone had just draped a robe or blanket around my shoulders. Standing in the sea of 50,000 faithful, I became “the one”, the beloved, the betrothed. We might know the story, but we don’t truly live or experience the story when we remain in a spirit of passive observation. During our morning empower sessions we were repeatedly reminded that this love story isn’t a Hallmark movie but a Lifetime original (great pun). Jesus invites each of us into the betrothal in a uniquely beautiful way. The morning following my images of betrothal our very first speaker, Fr. John Burns, spoke to the heart of Jesus as Bridegroom. It was a moment of affirmation that the images I received in prayer were not my own. In Jewish custom in Jesus’ time, the bridegroom would travel to the intended’s home and draw up the marriage contract with her father. At that point, the bridegroom would then ask the intended if she would become betrothed. It was not simply a contract between two men, it was ultimately the decision of the woman to accept the bridegroom. Jesus approaches each of us similarly. He does not force the betrothal, He asks. When the woman gives her “yes” she is taken back to the bridegroom’s home for a celebratory feast (this is not yet the wedding) which symbolizes the provision and care to come. God is in the beautiful details. This is part of the love story that I certainly didn’t know. These small details can sometimes blow the story we thought we knew wide open. Jesus left us a betrothal feast, a promise of provision. We are invited to come to His earthly dwelling and to participate in His meal. Several years ago while attending weekday Mass I asked the Lord why these “extra” Masses always seemed so much more intimate and spiritual for me. I felt Him say, Sunday Mass is the obligation, but weekday Mass is a freewill ‘yes.’ The greatest love story is lived at every Mass. It is a lifetime original and Jesus awaits our ‘yes’. Come to the feast of heaven and earth. Meet your Bridegroom.

• For reflection: Spend time with the Lord. Ask Him, “Show me who you are.”

• If you skip or avoid Mass, ask yourself what is holding you back? Ask Jesus to give you a heart that can say ‘yes’ to meeting Him at Mass.

• I have two videos below. The first is Fr. Mike’s talk at the Congress. Take the time to watch it and allow yourself to hear the story again. The second is a beautiful prayer that Fr. John Burns prayed over a group of Blessed is She retreat-ants. If you are a woman, you will not want to miss this.

Freely you have received; freely give.

The following reflection was started a week ago, so my time and scripture references are a week off.

Freely you have received; freely give. (Matthew 10:8)

He said to them, “I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you (Luke 22:13)

I have been away for awhile because our Lord called Jeff and I away. Jeff and I traveled down to Indianapolis with over 200 fellow Green Bay pilgrims to the National Eucharistic Revival. My heart is bursting and my mind buzzing to share with you a portion of the fire hose of grace that we received. I have been trying to figure out where to even begin and early this morning it dawned on me how the Gospel writers must have faced a similar challenge as they put quill to papyrus. I will begin as I often do, with this past Sunday’s Gospel.

The apostles gathered around Jesus and reported to him all they had done and taught. Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place.  But many who saw them leaving recognized them and ran on foot from all the towns and got there ahead of them.  When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things. (Mark 6:30-34)

This Gospel was made fully present for me this past week. Many pilgrims, myself included, are the wearied apostles gathering together from our missionary corners of the United States. We are workers or volunteers striving to bring Jesus more fully into this world. We are parents longing to raise our children knowing Jesus. We share one commonality: we are swimming against the current of our current society and it can be exhausting. In some miraculous way Jesus called each of us to Indianapolis, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” In an even greater miracle Jesus made it possible in a sea of 50,000 for me to truly “get away”, to be renewed, to be refreshed, to be healed. My experience was extraordinary without a doubt but it is an experience that our Lord Jesus seeks to bring to every Christian walking this journey. I want to package up those 5 days of firehose grace and deliver them to each of you and I have been stuck in the mire and muck of “how.” I will try to bring to you the heart of the wisdom I received from the many talks we witnessed. I will try to bring you the heart of Jesus that He shared with me for His church. I will try to bring you the heart of the healing that Jesus brought about in areas of my own heart that I thought would simply be weeping and scarred this side of heaven. I will offer each of you my loaves and fish and trust the Lord to do the multiplying. I will follow the advice of Fr. Leo Patalinghug and bring it to you in bite size pieces.

This was effectively the kick off of the Eucharistic Congress. In a sea of 50,000 souls, these words stirred my heart with an excitement that I simply can’t describe. The excitement for the unknown. Before we ever left, as I shared with friends about this journey we were planning, I was often asked, “What are you hoping to receive?” My honest answer, “I am going in with the expectation that Jesus is getting ready to do great things. I have no expectation of what they are, but I trust it is going to be amazing.” The Lord had laid a good foundation this past Lent when Fr. Mike Schmitz shared the wisdom that expectations set us up for disappointment. When we expect something specific to happen or to go a certain way and it doesn’t, it takes us a beat to catch up to what the Lord is doing instead, which is always in some way better. I was able to enter this Eucharistic Congress not with my agenda for what I wanted Jesus to do, but a heart of openess for what he wanted to do. As these words, HE IS HERE, resonated to my very heart it was like transporting back 2000 years to the excitement of the crowds who eagerly awaited Jesus’ entry into their towns and villages, “He is here.”

Brothers and Sisters, the core Catholic belief in Jesus’ true presence in the Eucharist changes everything. HE IS HERE. We are not alone. We are not left with a veil between this world and heaven. We are invited to spend time physically in the presence of our Lord in His presence in the Eucharist. This is the first taste that I bring to you, the first bite, and it is the most important one. HE IS HERE in every Mass, in every church tabernacle and He awaits you. He eagerly desires to spend time with you. He is our Bridegroom waiting. I leave you with the talk from Sr. Bethany Madonna. It is about 25 minutes long so set aside some time to be able to receive her loaves and fish.

[Convergence]

[Convergence]: the process of state of converging: come together from different directions so as to eventually meet.

This weekend was my weekend to proclaim God’s Word at Mass. I usually begin early in the week with a quick ‘read through’ that culminates in ‘practice’ reading from the pulpit of my kitchen counter four or five times. One of the spiritual benefits of lecturning is that when Mass arrives, the Word has been thoroughly chewed upon. I’m not just reading, I’m allowing it to stir my heart and mind. This weekend I experienced a profound encounter with our Lord during Eucharist. The heavens didn’t open up. Angels weren’t seen circling the altar. I wasn’t miraculously healed of a thorn in my side (or now that I have finished the rough draft of this, perhaps I was- read on). My encounter was having Jesus come to me in those quiet moments following my reception of the Eucharist and explaining the reading even further just for me. As I closed my eyes and allowed myself to find the quiet stillness, this is what Jesus shared…

But you shall say to them: “Thus says the Lord God!” And whether they heed or resist- for they are a rebellious house- they shall know that a prophet has been among them. (Ezekiel 2:4-5)

We are all called to be prophets, it is part of our baptismal identity. It came to me during communion that the modern day lingo for prophet is evangelization. To be a prophet is simply to share what God is saying or doing in my life with another. Jesus highlighted the words, “whether thy heed or resist.” Jesus showed me a thorn in my side. I had been praying this week with St. Paul’s second reading (still to come!) and asking Jesus what thorns in my side He wanted to show me. One of my thorns is my belief that success is in convincing the people I am sharing God with. Jesus showed me that success is the sharing. My call is to share and allow the seeds that I plant to do what they will, that is His job. Moving on to St. Paul’s second reading…

A thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of satan. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:8-9)

Jesus next showed me a thorn that is common to many Catholics: difficulty with the true presence of Jesus’ body, blood, soul, and divinity, in the Eucharist. For myself it is a thorn of desire. I want to experience what I know to be true in my heart and mind. I want the mystical at every Mass! In the last two years I have had the incredible grace to have 5 such moments (for context that’s out of at least 300 Masses). Jesus assures me in this Eucharistic moment that the power of His very self floods my weakness of senses and sustains me independent of my perception. This brought Jesus to the Gospel…

Jesus departed from there and came to his native place, accompanied by his disciples. When the sabbath came he began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were astonished. They said, “Where did this man get all this? What kind of wisdom has been given him? What mighty deeds are wrought by his hands! Is he not the carpenter, the son of Mary, and the brother of James and Joses and Judas and Simon? And are not his sisters here with us?” And they took offense at him. Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his native place and among his own kin and in his own house.” So he was not able to perform any mighty deed there,
apart from curing a few sick people by laying his hands on them.
He was amazed at their lack of faith. (Mark 6:1-6)

What Jesus shared next was one of those moments of knowing, knowing God’s voice from my own. These are the words He shared during communion.

Is it not just a piece of bread? Is it not just wheat and water? Is it not made by human hands?

This Gospel plays itself out at EVERY Mass in the hearts of countless Catholics. Jesus Christ made present to us, His family, in His own house, in the seemingly ordinary and we miss it. Let’s stop missing it. The best advice I can give is experience. I started praying for greater Eucharistic faith and encounter four years ago and He has met me in my weakness with His divine power. This is a thorn that Jesus longs to remove and heal. Jesus took my preparation with the Word and used that opening to share the thorns of my spiritual life. The Holy Spirit set me on my feet to take what the Lord has done and share it with each of you today: prophecy. That my friends is the [Convergence] available to each of us through the power of prayer in the Mass. Amen.

Freedom from…

“Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” (Mk 4:38)

When I was a small girl there are two events that formed within me a fear that I have not fully overcome: a fear of climbing heights. Not heights themselves but climbing them. Two falls from my childhood solidified this fear. Eight months ago on a day pilgrimage to Holy Hill, my friend Pam and I were climbing the 200 or so steps to view the surrounding Kettle Moraine countryside via the cathedral’s bell tower. As the closed in staircase became a suspended metal staircase hanging in the middle of the wide open bell tower I froze. I tried prayer, I tried not looking out, I tried reasoning with myself, but all to no avail; I could not climb to the top. One week ago Jeff and I were celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary at Ishnala on Mirror Lake. I mistakenly took a deer path instead of the state park path and found myself climbing an embankment in Croc slides when my fear took hold (shortly after my Crocs failed to take hold and I impaled my palm on a thorn). Jeff had to come pull me that last few feet up.

I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:8-9)

Last week Wednesday, continuing our anniversary celebration with ill chosen paths, Jeff and I found ourselves climbing yet again. We were at Devil’s Lake State Park for the first time. We started out smart on the easy path around one side of the lake, but then I became fixated on climbing to Balanced Rock, forgetting the parks descriptions of the paths offered. What had been a paved meandering path winding through the granite boulders became granite stones stacked into a narrow winding staircase climbing, climbing climbing. There were no railings, and often no differentiation between intentional steps and the natural boulders surrounding us. The familiar fear took hold about halfway to the top. We had no clear idea how much further we had to climb yet and no idea what the way down looked like. The Devil seemed to have me between a rock and a hard place, literally (pun intended). When a hiker climbing down our “staircase” assured me there was an easier path down at the top it solidified for me that the only way out of this hell was up. As I resolutely resumed my climb (thank God in tennis shoes and NOT Crocs!) God broke through. On a stone in front of me a butterfly alighted and then flew just in front of me up the next 20 or so steps keeping step with me. God had been speaking to me all month of my sojourn at the cottage in the form of abundant butterflies and this lone butterfly on the side of the mountain was not overlooked. He was letting me know that I was going to be okay. Jesus had calmed the sea of my stormy fear.

God also planted a phrase in this inexperienced hikers brain, [Maintain three points of contact]. And so I finished the climb with one or both hands stabilizing wherever they could. The way back down was indeed easier and opened my soul to a litany of praise to God: Thank you for getting me safely to the top, thank you for my knees and hips holding up, thank you for giving me the courage to do something way outside my comfort zone, thank you for the incredible view, thank you for the butterfly. We celebrate the Fourth of July this week: Independence Day. It is a celebration of freedom. Last week for a space of time God lifted the burden of my fear, He freed me from a fear of falling. This Independence Day let’s chuck Separation of Church and State and invite God’s movement into the areas of our life where fear resides. When we are done having a conversation with Him about our fears, lets take an opportunity to lift this country in prayer, not for our will, for where we feel it should go, but for His will, and where only He can lead. Amen.

I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up,
    and did not let my foes rejoice over me.
 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
    and you have healed me.
 O Lord, you brought up my soul from Sheol,
    restored me to life from among those gone down to the Pit. (Psalm 30)

Again, Again, Again

The Lord Speaks

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

 “Who is this that obscures my plans
    with words without knowledge?
 Brace yourself like a man;
    I will question you,
    and you shall answer me.

 “Who shut up the sea behind doors
    when it burst forth from the womb,
when I made the clouds its garment
    and wrapped it in thick darkness,
when I fixed limits for it
    and set its doors and bars in place,
 when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;
    here is where your proud waves halt’? (Job 38:1-11)

Jesus Calms the Storm

 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.”  Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him.  A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” (Mark 4:35-41)

I have recently watched two movies where an individual was trying to perfect a skill. Their seemingly heartless instructor gave the same simple command to each of them over and over, “Again.” Again. Again. Again. My parents are 80 and let’s face it they are getting “old.” I am not disparaging them, they have been claiming to be “old” for a decade now. Their lives this past year have reflected the stormy sea many times over, but especially this past week: a beloved brother-in-law in hospice, a brother in the ICU, a decades old friend moving away, and a bike accident and ER visit to top it all off. Stormy indeed. This past Sunday, before the storms mentioned, my mom shared that she struggled with the constant anxiety of “what will happen next.” I prayerfully reflected on how to best respond. Some could look at that attitude at lack of faith. That is not what the Lord showed me in that moment. I asked my mom a simple question, “Thus far, have you been able to handle everything that has happened?” She replied, “Yes.” That friends is having Jesus in the boat. I told her to look at everything she has weathered and to recognize that it is God who equips her each time. I told her a truth she probably didn’t want to hear: the storms are going to keep coming, don’t worry about IF they will, or WHAT they will look like. Accept simply that the storms will come and when they do trust that the Lord will see you through and equip you just as He has already done. I told her to pray, “Lord you have given me what I need so far, I trust that you will continue to do so.” When wave after wave is crashing over the boats of life we can feel like God is the taskmaster repeating: Again. Again. Again. All the while Jesus is in the boat waiting for us to stop responding with anxiety and to start responding with trust. “Why are you terrified?” Poop happens, again and again in life, independent of our relationship with the Lord, the difference is whether we are going to react to it or respond to it. To react is to give our flight or fight response control. To respond is to allow our relationship with God to control our flight or fight reaction. To respond is to live a life of trust built up over a lifetime of being delivered to the other side.

Some went out on the sea in ships;
    they were merchants on the mighty waters.
 They saw the works of the Lord,
    his wonderful deeds in the deep.
 For he spoke and stirred up a tempest
    that lifted high the waves.
They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths;
    in their peril their courage melted away.
They reeled and staggered like drunkards;
    they were at their wits’ end.
 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he brought them out of their distress.
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
    the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
    and he guided them to their desired haven.
 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
    and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
 Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people
    and praise him in the council of the elders. (Psalm 107)

Why am I here?

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” (1 Kings 19:11-16)

Today’s scripture from the first book of Kings is a heartstring foundational scripture for me. God is in the whisper. Today I reflect on this passage in the outdoor glory of Kingston, day 14 of my sojourn. Today my heart is drawn to God’s question, “What are you doing here?” What a profound question He asks! God is asking so much in this simple question. God is asking Elijah what situations, decisions, and emotions have brought him to this place and time. God is also asking what Elijah is seeking in this place and time. Today as I reflect on these Words I see that Elijah is himself on a sojourn seeking solace. Doing the will of God has not played out to Elijah’s expectations and so he is in a cave running from his circumstances. He has, in a sense, jumped from the frying pan and into the fire as so beautifully portrayed in the wind, and the earthquake, and the fire. We run in so many different ways in our lives and in our relationships don’t we? In my own life God has come to me time and again in my caves of solitude asking me in sense the same question, “Why are you here?” The heart of my answer is usually that I am where I am because I am unhappy with the circumstances of my life. As I draw deeper from the well of discipleship, this translates to: I am unhappy with what You God are doing in my life right now. Isolating myself from God only adds to the chaos in the wind of fear, the earthquakes of anxiety, and the fire of anger. The way out is to quiet the noise of chaos and retune our ears to His quiet whisper, “Why are you here?” I cannot run or hide from our mighty God, His very Spirit resides within me. This morning, in the sunshine, on the patio, free from chaos, I allow God to ask me His question, “Why are you here?” My answer comes on the words of a great saint,

“My soul is restless until it rests in you.” ~St. Augustine

On any given day, in any given hour this line speaks truth to my current reality. I am where I am in the choices and actions I have made and taken, because, at the center of my being, I desire Him. I am here at Kingston because my soul is restless and seeks The One who can bring it rest. Today I see the deeper truth. On this side of heaven, I will never achieve the lasting rest I seek, for while He resides in me, I do not yet reside in Him. This brings me an odd peace. I can let go of the unrealistic expectation that if I just work harder at this life of holiness, I will accomplish what I desire. We cannot hide from God. We cannot outrun this restlessness. We can only submit, listen, pray, and take the next step forward which leads us finally to our eternal restfulness in Him. As I pondered all these things in my heart and looked out toward the woods a fawn darted out of the woods towards me frolicking at the edge of the long grass before darting back the way it came, most likely called back by its mother. Words of wisdom settled on my heart, [He resides in us that we may one day reside in Him."] Amen.

Saving us from ourselves

You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming… But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, where righteousness dwells.

So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him. Bear in mind that our Lord’s patience means salvation, just as our dear brother Paul also wrote you with the wisdom that God gave him. (1 Peter 3:11-15)

As I read this scripture early this week the Words “Bear in mind that our Lord’s patience means salvation” struck a chord of remembrance. During a homily, Father shed light on what this truth means in our day to day lives. At any given time whether we are aware or not we are waiting on God’s answer to prayer. We are waiting for fulfillment of somekind: restoration to health, new life within our family, provision of a new house, or new job, creation of fellowship in a new friendship or a new romance. At any given time in life we are waiting on something. I used to be a very impatient waiter. Once an idea sprung into my head, I was ready for its fulfillment yesterday. Often times in my impatience I have been known to settle. I rush in with my solution to my need or want without waiting on the Lord’s patience. God works in our very secular experiences to teach us His greater truths. As I read these scripture passages what came to mind was the evolution of our family vacations to Disney. On our very first trip to Disney 23 years ago we were consumers of the highest degree: fear of missing out. I thought this might be the ONLY trip to Disney and so we had to see everything, eat everything, and along the way buy SOMETHING from each section of each park. I wanted to hold onto this vacation long after we left. Before we even got on the plane several of these momentos had lost their shine, many more shortly after returning home. Two years ago we made our most recent trip to Disney with our adult kiddos. Much has changed with our approach. We know where the best food is to be found. We know the rides that suit our fancy. And we don’t buy much of anything until the final days of the trip. Instead as we go along we take pictures of the items that catch our fancy. Towards the end of the trip we make wiser decisions about which items we will truly treasure and use and be reminded fondly of our time together. In other words, we have learned the art of exhibiting patience in consumption to allow for the greatest experience. So what is it that caught my eye and mind in this scripture? Our Lord’s patience means salvation. When we are waiting on the fulfillment of our desires and we are growing impatient with God’s timing ,we are called by St. Peter to be found at peace in Him. Why? This is where Father shared wisdom weeks ago. When God seems slow to answer prayer, He is demonstrating Holy Patience. The patience to wait until the greatest good can be achieved in the answer to our prayer, our dreams, our desires. God’s patience is indeed our salvation because as we wait in peace, trusting Him, He is drawing us always into greater holiness. I have reminded myself of this truth often in the past weeks (evidence of its’ timely deliverance). It is okay that this dream or desire (fill in blank) has not been fulfilled. God is being patient where I am impatient. He is not acting out of anger, or spite, or disappointment, but out of Love and His desire to bring me fully into His kingdom.

Chapter and Verse

Sitting in Mass earlier this week these words came to me, [Chapter and Verse]. I reflected on how each gospel is made up of chapters and within each chapter verses and that at the end are ‘final verses.’ In my life right now there are a lot of chapters that seem to be closing simultaneously: the nesting period of motherhood and the dynamics of family, Jeff as the worker bee outside the home, my parents time with me on this earth, even some of the ministries that I have been a regular fixture in. We get to choose the language of our final verses. How do we end the chapters of our life? This week James is home before heading off to Canada fishing and then he is back to Madison until his job starts in Milwaukee. It may be the last time that we have him home for an extended visit. While James forgot Mother’s Day this year, he committed this week to the two of us spending time together and doing whatever I would like. This week we spent time revisiting earlier chapters of our story together: the zoo, the botanical gardens, the farmer’s market, Bay Beach (today), along with some of our favorite restaurants. I feel we are ending these verses sailing off into the sunset so to speak. As James and I travel in these final verses, I am also closing a chapter of another year of service at our parish. I am taking the month of June off and living at the cottage, a retreat of sorts. I have been tying up loose ends at church and even stepping down from roles that simply didn’t fit well. This past week I ran into two women who are starting new chapters of their own and they are filled with plans for their future that excite them. These conversations have allowed fear to creep into some of my final verses: What if I don’t have anything to do? What if I am no longer called upon to serve? What if these past several years were the peak and it’s all downhill from here? I entered prayer this morning with all this weighing on my mind and heart combined with a low level of anxiety that I haven’t updated this website all week and that I was feeling very empty handed. As I sat with God in an awkward silence I thought, “I lack a driving force right now.” The truth of this resonated and I know the source of that driving force in my life is the Holy Spirit. “Are you upset with me Holy Spirit?” Even after all these years these fears can still rise to the surface. Compound this with today’s Gospel…

12 The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. 13 Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. 14 Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it…20 In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. 21 Peter remembered and said to Jesus, “Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!” (Matthew 11)

My fears would not seem to be without precedent. Fears often stem from lies that we believe. In this case, my believing that taking some time off will result in being cut off. I quickly rebuked that lie and asked Jesus to show me the truth that He wanted me to see. An image of a beautiful flowering vine in resplendent glory came into my mind. It became that of a rose. In our garden we have many roses that are everblooming. As I prayed into this image I was reminded that while the roses will bloom throughout the summer, they are not continuously in “full bloom.” Instead they have bursts of blooms followed by periods of a few scattered blooms. During these periods of low bloom, they are restoring their energy. I am not to fear the curse of the Fig Tree. God has set this retreat time as a period of restoration. For the first time in years my calendar is relatively empty. Tomorrow I begin a new chapter. I do not know what that chapter will hold, but I know Who holds that chapter. My final verses of today’s chapter will be the joy the Lord has provided for me in the quiet morning reflection of His Word. A beautiful affirmation of that joy met me as I carried my laptop out to the garden to write this: a monarch butterfly taking full advantage of my thyme in bloom. Don’t let the chapters of life close on the verse of a lie. God longs to fill all of our chapters with verses of truth that set our sails into the next chapter with our Beloved.

Set Free from Doubt: Go!

The eleven disciples went to Galilee,
to the mountain to which Jesus had ordered them.
When they all saw him, they worshiped, but they doubted.
Then Jesus approached and said to them,
"All power in heaven and on earth has been given to me.
Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations,
baptizing them in the name of the Father,
and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit,
teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.
And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age." (Matthew 28:16-20)

This is an unusual week for my Living the Word reflection because it has arisen from this Sunday’s Gospel. So in a sense here is my personal Lectio Divina reflection for this week. My husband Jeff is preparing to retire this upcoming January. I have now been retired for four years! Given our relatively ‘young’ ages for retirement we would be considered part of the F.I.R.E. movement (Financial Independence Retire Early). This was a desire that we believe God planted in our hearts 29.5 years ago on New Year’s Day while watching football with some friends. One of our friend’s dad was at our little gathering and newly retired at the young age of 50 something. This stirred something in both Jeff and I to have conversations about our own future and our own desires regarding work. As I look back over these past 29 years I can see God’s providence in our lives time and time again financially. What does this have to do with this particular Gospel? Good Question! I love to read financial columns that address retirement. Many that I see are scenarios from financial guru’s like Suze Oreman and Dave Ramsay. If Jeff and I were to listen to the wisdom of these ‘experts’ we would never retire. I say that because I have yet to see an article where they tell someone, “Well done, good and faithful servant, now go and enjoy your harvest.” They are doomsdayers to say the least. They live in the valley of doubt and fear: doubt of the economy, doubt of health, fear of life expectancy. Jesus knows all about doubt and fear: two of the prisons that His cross is meant to free us from. Jesus appears resurrected to the disciples. The disciples response? They are awed and amazed and they praise God. And they doubt. Here is just one example of how I know the Holy Spirit inspires scripture. Why include that fact? Doesn’t it take away from the validity of the resurrection? Jesus and the Holy Spirit want to encourage us about doubt, it is a very human response. The cross and resurrection do not free us from doubt, they free us from the prison of doubt. The prison of doubt is our inability to move forward in mission, the inability to live today fully, to be consumed by the uncertainty of tomorrow, and the need to know every angle before taking action. Suze Oreman and Dave Ramsay can never tell someone it is ‘safe’ to retire because they are imprisoned in the cell of doubt and fear. Jesus, knowing that doubt lingered, still sent His disciples on mission, and then He left them in the care of the Holy Spirit. When I allow doubt and fear to creep into my day I remind myself of who my Financial Advisor is: God. Jeff and I can step into this next chapter of our lives not because of a number on a spreadsheet or financial algorithm (although those are helpful), but ultimately because we know Who placed this desire on our hearts 29 years ago. We will never be able to plan for every possible scenario, but we have a loving and provisional Father who does.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (Matthew 6:25-27)

Plan BE

Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)

Be unmoveable (1 Corinthians 15:58)

Be of one mind (Romans 12:16)

Be renewed in spirit (Ephesians 4:23)

“You’re not you when you’re hungry.” ~ Snickers

This weekend I am giving a talk at our parish during a Ladies Tea: The Spirituality of Journaling. The Holy Spirit inspired this idea in a moment when I was on the cusp of politely declining helping with the tea. I had just finished the Blessed is She retreat, and looking ahead I felt things piling up. God has a great sense of humor; no sooner had I told my husband, Jeff, that I would decline, and Holy Spirit swooped in and laid out this talk and showed me His heart in why it was so important. Prayer Journaling as many of you know is near and dear to my heart, it is a core tenet of my relationship with God; it is a treasured gift. Two years ago God placed a dream upon my heart, another gift. God planted the seed of silence, “Be still.” That dream was planted during a two week period that I was at the cottage, for the most part, alone. I had this deep desire to be able to spend one whole month at the cottage in the peace of nature, the peace of quiet, the peace of isolation, away from the day to day demands of my life. I dreamed of time to ponder, time to write, time to be. This past Christmas I worked up the courage to ask my Dad if I could have the cottage for the month of June and he graciously agreed. Back to prayer journaling. It has been weeks, literally weeks, since I have written anything in my prayer journal that has given me a, “Then sings my soul…” moment. The reason for this is that I have been living Plan A. Plan A is what I would like to call a person’s default life mode. For the past several years my Plan A is one of busyness. My “yeses” to others and to ministry outnumber the hours of sane productivity that I have to give. The fruit of this (or lack thereof) has shown in my journaling and in some of the relationships of my life. This past weekend I watched my son (our youngest) graduate from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. As the various speakers shared their ‘wisdom’, I jotted some great lines down in the notes section of my phone. The title for this reflection is one such line. Plan BE: not as a backup plan for the failed Plan A, but to live authentically who you are. This inspired me to search for biblical moments where we are commanded to “BE.” The four I share above speak to my heart from our Lord to my current Plan A. You see, I have been talking myself out of my month long escape dream. There is still so much to do, it would be easier to just stay home and go on weekends, what about… In all of these inner debates I am anything but of “one mind.”And my tendency to compromise Plan Be will definitely not imitate being “immovable.” I am reminded today that I have neglected “being still.” All of these things combined mean that I am not allowing myself to “be renewed in the spirit.” This has indeed made me hangry in a sense and less than who I want to be and a Snickers bar won’t fix this state of spiritual hunger (I wish). As Pentecost approaches I renew my commitment to Plan BE. I embrace the dream that God planted, knowing that at this moment in time, His stillness was the Divine medicine I would need. It is so easy to fill our hours, days, and months with busyness. Even busyness of the best sort, that in giving of our time, talent, and treasure to others, must be punctuated with Plan BE: Be still, Be unmovable, Be of one mind, Be renewed in Spirit.

The inevitability of Change

Jesus said to his disciples:
"I have much more to tell you, but you cannot bear it now.
But when he comes, the Spirit of truth,
he will guide you to all truth.
He will not speak on his own,
but he will speak what he hears,
and will declare to you the things that are coming.
He will glorify me,
because he will take from what is mine and declare it to you.
Everything that the Father has is mine;
for this reason I told you that he will take from what is mine
and declare it to you." (John 16:12-15)

“I have much more to tell you, but you cannot bear it now.” Today’s Gospel stirred so many things in my early morning brain. First, we are never done growing in our relationship with God. I think our current educational model hinders us in our relational model of what it means to be Christian. My son, James, will be graduating from the University of Madison in just three days and I know that he is ready to be “done.” I remember feeling the exact same way at the end of every academic year myself. The mere thought of having to put ourselves through more knowledge than is absolutely necessary makes our brains hurt. We have a human tendency to get by with the minimum amount of required knowledge to “pass.” I know that when I was confirmed in Christ when I was 16 I had a similar sentiment of being “done.” This morning Jesus speaks to me as clearly as He spoke to His disciples, “I have much more to tell you, but you cannot bear it now.” As I walk with Jesus and come to His feet again and again in prayer, sacrament, and His Word, He indeed slowly unfolds greater depth to the truth of Who He is and what that means for who I am called to be. This is always accompanied by change. I am called to change the way that I respond to God and the way that I respond to the world. This brings forth another human tendency, to resist change. Just this past weekend my mom made the very statement, “I hate change.” I used to feel very similarly and at times I find myself falling into that trap. Change is a never ending unavoidable part of life. The physiological body that I occupy today is not the same as it was yesterday. Some days these changes are much more perceptable than others, but they are there whether we acknowledge them or not. The world filled with physiological bodies is not the same today as it was yesterday. So too with the spiritual world. This world made up of bodies of free will is constantly shifting, changing, moving, adapting, and reacting. We try to believe the lie that things won’t change, that they don’t have to change and so we resist change. In doing so we create within both our physical and spiritual selves tension, frustration, angst. God, He Who is unchanging, is the author of change. Jesus, His Son, is the answer to the human dilemma of change. Jesus came that we might have life in abundance through the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is our guide to navigating the waters of change that we face day by day. We have a choice though. As the saying goes, “We can do this the hard way or the easy way.” We can resist change and try to control the variables expending more time, energy, and spirit -OR- we can surrender. We can accept that we can’t control everything especially change and we can invite the Holy Spirit to guide us to all truth. Change when guided by the Spirit of Truth takes us deeper into a relationship with God. When we do so we release the grace that Jesus promised, “Everything that the Father has is mine;
for this reason I told you that he will take from what is mine
and declare it to you." Jesus wants to give us everything. The path to everything is a path of lifelong learning and change. We are never done with either. If any of you have graduates in your life and they victoriously declare, “I’m done!” wisely answer, “No, you’re just beginning the great adventure of life.” Come Holy Spirit Come!

This is how I fight my battles…

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6:2)

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. (Ephesians 6:11)

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8)

Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. (James 4:7)

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. (John 10:10)

So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober. (1 Thessalonians 5:6)

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

Brothers and Sisters, the list of bible verses I could quote regarding the enemy goes on and on. The enemy is real and possibly the hardest aspect of my walk of faith with Jesus. Spiritual Warfare hits hard and heavy when I myself am stepping out hard and heavy for the Lord. On the plus side, it is usually a good indicator that the direction I am headed is the right one, the enemy wouldn’t bother otherwise. This week Jeff and I were facilitating a prayer session called Inner Healing. Inner Healing isn’t anything we do, but we are instead trained to guide a prayer conversation between one who is seeking healing and God. It is powerful! I have shared before my awe at the incredible grace that God can provide. As much as our incredible generous God seeks our healing and our wholeness, there is another who will fight that good with every tool in his arsenal: the enemy, the devil. The attacks on Jeff and I started Sunday and continued through to the writing of this post (Wednesday). This time the enemy came after our kids as well as us. Many of you might be wondering what a spiritual attack looks like. Well it can look differently in each situation, but a good general gist is think of the days where you have a rain cloud like Eeyore above your head. Nothing goes right, it feels like everything is fighting your good intentions. Those thoughts of self recrimation creep in: “You’re a bad mom.” “Nothing you’re doing is making a difference.” “You should just quit, this isn’t worth it.” On Monday I was wise to the ploys of the devil and headed to church. I was really emotionally low and worried if I was in the right frame of mind for the healing session that evening. My mind kept calling up one of my previous Encounter classmates who prayed often with me and I kept feeling like I should reach out, but told myself that it was a little late notice. As I turned to offer peace to the person sitting behind me in Mass, I was brought to tears to see that it was the very friend I had been thinking to call all morning. We were both at the same Mass that wasn’t at either of our parishes so this coincidence is significant. After Mass she offered to pray with me and I was so grateful that God had made the call that I didn’t. Shortly after I got home, I received a text from ANOTHER, Encounter School classmate who I have not talked with in almost 2 months. He shared that God was telling him to pray for me that day and did I have any special intentions. More tears of gratitude ensued. Our prayer session went really beautifully and I was so grateful for the outpouring of the Holy Spirit in so many ways for both Jeff and I, but more importantly for really being present to the person we were praying with. Evening Came and Morning Followed, the second day. To put it mildly all (bleep) let loose for Jeff and I yesterday both at work for Jeff and with our son. At 6:00pm Jeff fled to Mass while I met up with a friend to drop off a birthday present. What was supposed to be a quick 10 minute drop off turned into a two hour prayer and support session for myself. Jeff was graced with a “guest” priest giving a fantastic sermon addressing how to face fear and failures (which were very fitting to our situation). Jeff and I joined together multiple times to pray. I went to bed with greater peace. Evening Came, Morning Followed, the third day. I fled to Mass this morning. Gazing upon our Savior on the Cross I really internalized what surrender looks like. It looks like opening your arms wide to the Father’s will even when it isn’t your own. I don’t know what today or tomorrow still holds. I don’t know what God’s will will look like particularly with my son in this situation. Here is what I do know: I know that God is Good and that He can work everything for good. I know that God is stronger than the enemy and that Jesus soundly defeated the enemy on the cross and in the grave. I know that I am on the winning side of this battle. I know that my definitive victory does not lie on this side of the grave, I am not living for victory on earth; I am living for victory in heaven. I know that I am not alone. God has shown me again and again that He is with us in this. I know that I have been given tools to fight the enemy. I am going to share with you some of those tools. First, last, always: prayer. More specifically call out the devil and tell him where to go, model Jesus in this, ‘Satan, get behind me.’ I usually say, ‘Satan, go to hell.’ And this is important, I mean what I say. I have learned to truly get mad at him, to point my anger where it belongs. I call on prayer warrior friends to help me in prayer, those friends include the great cloud of witnesses, our Saints. I call on angels to protect me and my family. I call on St. Michael to do his thing. I go to Mass. I go to confession. I enter into scripture and God’s Word. This is how I fight the battles that the enemy rages. One of the greatest lies in modern times is that the enemy is fictitious. Who do you think spread that lie? Jesus didn’t think the enemy was fictional, the apostles didn’t think the enemy was fictional. Brothers and Sisters if you aren’t doing so already, start telling satan where to go. Start taking back the authority you have in your baptism (and believe me, you have the authority). Amen!

Below are two good anthems for you in times of trial and battle. The first was sent to me by one of those prayer warriors I mentioned! The second came to me as I was gazing upon our Savior on the Cross.