[Running on fumes]

Which of you wishing to construct a tower does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if there is enough for its completion. (Luke 14:28)

These words of Jesus have been returning again and again to my mind over the previous week. When I looked to see what the Sunday gospel was, I literally gasped out loud. Affirmation. Jesus calls me to this gospel now because this is an area of growth that He is calling me to. It is not actual monetary costs and decisions that cause my downfall, it is the cost of time and energy. This past weekend was no exception. Jeff and I were heading to Green Bay on Saturday for a wedding. I managed to work in a visit with two dear friends that I haven’t seen since moving, and a visit to another set of friends to drop of a belated birthday present. All of this was leading up to meeting up with my mom for a much needed respite trip to Door County. Add in an unexpected post Mass prayerstorming session with fellow Encounter Ministry graduates and my recipe for disaster was set. An important tidbit of imformation here is that I am an extroverted introvert. I need space and quiet. Social settings exhaust me, especially when there are multiple closely spaced together. Coming back from Mass on Sunday to Jeff’s parents (our crash pad) we were greeted with a garage full of tailgaters. I tried to add the next layer of bricks to my tower, but the emergency fund had been exhausted at church. Two well placed comments pierced the weakened armor of my heart and my retort was swift and pointed and lacked grace, as did my escape. As I relayed my hurt to my mom, I said, “I know that I have to forgive them, but I’m not ready yet.”

Brothers and sisters, if you were raised in Christ seek what is above…think of what is above, not of what is on earth…your life is hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:1-3)

I probably relived the hurt from Sunday at least a dozen times by the time Tuesday morning rolled around and I was finally ready to let this go to Christ. Seeking what is above and thinking of what is above is another definition of prayer. It is connecting our hearts to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. In prayer, Jesus showed me a vacuum cleaner. Seriously. But He knew I would get His reference. When turned on and the vacuum is activated all the debris in the canister swirls madly around. This is what those comments did to my heart, they swirled up a lot of debris. Vacuums are created in an absence, vacuum cleaners in the absence of air. Sin is another type of vacuum in a way, it is the absence of love. In that moment, those comments were first a vacuum of thought (thoughtlessness) within the vacuum of lovelessness. We have ALL been on both the receiving end and giving end of this type of sin. In my prayer of connecting with Jesus He showed me why I was hurting, He showed me the root of my reaction. Knowing the ‘why’ is an important step to being able to forgive, we need to know exactly what we are forgiving. We need to know the cost of the sin. Next Jesus showed me the vacuums of love that exist in this person’s life, the losses that have led to our brief moment in the garage. St Paul’s words rush back to me,

Your life is hidden with Christ in God

The Divine Physician knows every moment of my life. He knows every circumstance that contributed to my hurt. He also knows this person’s life as well as my own and He knows all of their circumstances that led to their words. Prayer, seeking what is above, places me in the space where my truth and another’s reside together. Jesus had now ‘set the table’ for my forgiveness. Here is the simple prayer that I follow:

In the name of Jesus, I choose to forgive ___________ for ___________. I pray peace and mercy in their life. Amen.

I have often heard that when we cling tightly to control or to the things we think we want/need, that our arms are full and we cannot receive what God would like to give us. The same can be said of unforgiveness. When we hold onto our hurts and unforgiveness, our hands are just as full, and we are unable to receive the grace and the healing that Jesus wants to facilitate. At the wedding on Saturday, Fr. James opened with a hard truth. We are each of us human, we will fail each other. We must in the face of failure, either ours or another’s, seek what is above. We must seek the space where Jesus can show us truth, can bring us healing, and can facilitate forgiveness. Amen.